Busy and not just with funerals

This is notoriously a busy time of year. All it takes is a nasty cold snap and the vulnerable become more at risk, the infirm less steady and the frail become weaker.

Added to this, my colleague and mentor (SWMBO) locally was also unwell. She is now making a full recovery, which I am delighted about, but I would be lying if I didn't confess that I do want some of her workload.

This isn't as mercenary as it sounds; she has been saying that she is very busy and has been finding it a little too much, so I will happily relieve her of some of the burden, but there's the rub. Imagine if you will the following telephone conversation:

Funeral Director: Hello SWMBO - are you free on the 15th?
Celebrant (thinking, "I'd really rather not"): No, I'm afraid I'm busy that day. However, may I suggest that you try my friend and colleague X. Piry? She's very good.
Funeral Director: Thank you, SWMBO, I'll take the number.

But do they then call? This is the question. To be honest, if I was the FD, I'm not sure I would. Do I chose someone on a recommendation, or do I go with (for example) the local registrar, who I've worked with once or twice before, and although it's not exactly what the family wanted, it's a non-religious ceremony and they'll do a reasonable job?

It takes a while to build up one's practice as a celebrant and a lot of that is leg work. So, knowing that my colleague was unwell, I took myself around to her local Funeral Directors and introduced myself. All I did was pop in, hand over a letter which my contact details, and say "I know that you usually use SWMBO, but if ever she's unavailable, I'd be very grateful if you would consider me in her place." I was going for non-aggressive - I hope it didn't come across as non-bothered.

I did pick up a bit of her work and I believe that with one FD at least I'm now their second choice for non-religious funerals. Another FD appeared to be very impressed with one of my ceremonies and said that he will definitely use me again. I do hope so.

Sorry, this post has very little to do with the care of the bereaved, writing a fitting tribute to the deceased and being compassionate to all concerned. But that's it - I can't do any of those things if I don't get the calls from the funeral directors!

However, I have also started doing weddings. A friend of mine wants me to do her wedding, so I've had the first meeting with her and her fiance. It went well (I took cake, that always helps) and they said that I was very reassuring. This is good, but of course in my, neurotic head, that simply means that they're being nice because we're friends and actually I was rubbish.

I've also visited another couple (but they seem to be seeing every celebrant in the region, so I don't know what will happen with them) and quoted for other weddings. This has been a learning curve. Lesson number one being that many people don't have the manners to reply.

It's been a mixed bag of funerals. My last one was very emotional, a young woman, a long illness, a lovely family, a packed crematorium. My next one, will be the opposite, an old lady, an unexpected death and a husband who couldn't even tell you anything about her life before she met him. The phrase "It's not about you, love" was in my head quite a lot, but I am a professional. To be fair, the man seemed genuinely upset, but on the way home, all I could think of was the John Donne poem:

I wonder by my troth, what thou and I

Did, till we loved ? Were we not weaned till then ?

But sucked on country pleasures, childishly ?

This lady could have sucked on country pleasures, or anything else for that matter; her husband didn't seem interested enough to find out. It made me wonder - how did he know that he wanted to marry her, if he knew so little about her? The marriage was obviously a success, and long-lasting, but how did he know it was going to be?

People fascinate me.

Whose truth?

I don't like to make it a (literal) body count, but I've now done funeral 38. It's been a roller coaster, I can tell you.

This time last year I was excited because I was just about to start training, and now I'm beginning to feel as though I know what I'm doing. Amazing.

I had an interesting one (and Charles of the Good Funeral Guide put me in mind of it.) The deceased was an elderly lady who lived in a nursing home. She had a goddaughter (who had sisters, one of whom I had spoken to) and a son.

The son and mother had been estranged for several years (it appears that this lady fell out with people quite often and, like Mr Darcy, her good opinion once lost, was lost forever). The son had tried to build a bridge and others had tried to encourage the lady to speak to her son, but she was having none of it.

I didn't get to meet anyone before the ceremony because of geographical distance, but I had several email and telephone conversations.

The goddaughter (and sisters) thought that the deceased was a wonderful woman, a role model, a fantastic and loyal friend.....basically, a paragon.

The son thought that the woman was a self-interested manipulative individual who cared for nothing but herself.

This was the hardest ceremony I've had to write.

I am, by nature, non-confrontational. I dislike conflict and do my best to avoid it. This means that one of my weaknesses is a tendency to say what I think people want to hear (yes, I know, it's a trait I hate in others, but we always hate our own faults the most, wherever we find them). So how could I please everyone in this situation?

Well, of course, the short answer is that I couldn't, and my fear was that in trying to please everyone, I would end up pleasing nobody (at best) or annoying them all (at worst).

In the end, I decided that honesty and openness were my best approach. I contacted both parties, and told them that the other person had very different memories, and that I would try to incorporate as much as I could into the ceremony, but I apologised in advance if there were bits in the tribute that didn't tally with their memory of the deceased.

Then I trod a middle path. This ceremony was not my usual "celebration of a life" but was, instead a "chance to look back" on a long life.

I didn't suggest that, during the reflective period, people remembered the deceased, but offered them the opportunity instead to remember the happy memories.

I used the word "complex" a couple of times to describe the deceased, and made a point of "determination can often be seen as stubborn", "strong opinions can sometimes lead to a lack of diplomacy" and the like.

I think that both parties felt that it was a fitting tribute (at least, that's what they told me, I didn't get any angry recriminations).

I did hear one member of the congregation afterwards say "that was quick", but someone answered with "what else was there to say", so I sent her a virtual, silent "thank you". It was never going to be a long service - all but the goddaughter just wanted to get out of there, I'm sure.

Thankfully, these conflicts are rare - usually if someone couldn't stand the deceased, then they just stay away, but at other times the relationships are more complicated.

The son was actually quite upset, and almost apologising for being so, but as we concluded, whatever this woman was like, she was his mum. He was allowed to grieve.

Happy New Year, all.