Are we missing something?

Two things have happened recently which have made me wonder if we're missing something.

Firstly, the small person's funeral discussed in my last post.

It was, as expected, fairly intense and difficult. Just Mum and Dad were there. Some pictures were taken afterwards of the (very pretty) coffin with its floral tributes. I'll be honest, that always freaks me out a bit, but what else do they have?

We sat close to the coffin, on chairs in front of the first pew. It felt a bit "school master and naughty pupils" to have me at the lecturn under the circumstances.

I think it went okay. I found some lovely poems and readings. Everything I know about baby funerals was put into that one ceremony, just to stop it only lasting five minutes. The music had been changed (no, it's okay, I really don't need to know, Mr Funeral Director), but we got around that. At the graveside, I read the poem that the parents had written, and then we laid the little mite to rest. Then I went home and felt like s...t.

Please don't misunderstand me; I'm not trying to compare my "flatness" with the grief and sorrow that the small person's parents were (and no doubt still are) feeling, but it all felt a bit unsatisfactory.

Then, a couple of days later, I was in the vestry at a local crem, chatting to a retired C of E minister. He said that maybe we should "compare notes" one day. My observation was that he had the option of some pastoral care, whereas we tend to end our services as the limo drives away. This minister says that he always makes a point of calling the family a couple of weeks after the ceremony to see how they are doing.

This has been playing on my mind, as I felt that the parents of the small person really don't know how to grieve. They had never been to a funeral before (no, I don't know why they wanted me either, as I'm not sure that they are without a faith of some kind), and didn't know what to expect. That's not, in itself a problem. Between the FD and me, we can guide them, explain options, talk about what they may want to do. But that's just the ceremony. I got a strong sense that these two aren't sure what to do with their emotions, and are holding everything in, for fear of somehow "getting it wrong".

I hope that the unit where the baby died has some kind of counselling and "after care" service. They have a family, who I'm sure will guide and look after them. But if I was a vicar, I could go and see them, or ring them up, and make sure that they're okay, or even offer some advice, or details of people who may be able to help them.

So why don't I do that? So many reasons - I don't know who to suggest (although, yes, I could find out), I don't feel that I have the experience to do it, I'm a bit of a coward, I don't feel it's my "place", I don't know if I've got the emotional strength - it's hard enough doing the ceremony, without continuing that relationship, I don't feel that I know them well enough to offer advice....

I think it all comes down to "Who do I think I am, to take on that role?" If I was a vicar/priest/rabbi/imam.... I would have a "god given" right.

I'm not sure where to go with this. Do we need some sort of secular support group for the bereaved? I have a colleague who is also a Cruse counsellor, and so would probably have more practical advice to offer. But it comes back to the same question - is it our place? Or is it just the duty of all human beings?

No doubt I shall ponder this more, but for now I'm just floating it out there on the wires.

Love and peace to all.