Fear and Self-Loathing in Staples

I'm really not comfortable selling myself.

I dread visiting Funeral Directors more than anything. I know, it's crazy, I should be more worried about meeting a family wracked with grief, but when I go to their home, I will have a specific purpose in meeting them, and will hopefully help them deal with their tragedy.

Meeting Funeral Directors to say "hello, I'm here, I'm trained and I'm lovely" causes me tears and heartache like none other. I have self-confidence "issues", and promoting myself is like torture to me.

However it has to be done, so, putting my big brave pants on (as well as my black suit, natch,) I went to visit a local Director after work today. I don't feel it went well. I was in there for about five minutes, and I didn't really sell my personality. I can be chatty (can chat for England, to tell the truth), I can be warm, and I have a sense of humour (so I'm told - mostly I just think I'm a lary tart who can't shut up, but that's the "issue" raising its head again). I was trying so hard to be sensible and mature, that I fear I came across as aloof and stand-offish.

My head was somewhat messed, and so I then drove home like a f-wit. (Apologies to the guy who was helping the lorry to turn, I was insolent, and there's really no need for that).

After my last funeral with SWMBO last week, I went into Staples, the stationery store, to get supplies (business cards, posh paper etc). I love Staples, it's my favourite shop (I have that female stationery-addiction thing) and so I now have a loyalty card for my favourite shop! This was very exciting, but I began to fear that all I was doing was wasting money if I was never to do a ceremony.

Once home today, I tried a ten-minute relaxation technique (which basically involves me sitting in the armchair breathing v e r y s l o w l y), but my head was still racing.

Again, action is better than inaction, so I made another call to another director. This one was enthusiastic! She has had trouble with her funeral celebrants! I'm going to see her on Thursday afternoon!

My faith in myself and my choice of profession has been restored.

I'm official

I got my letter in the post this morning - I've been approved to conduct ceremonies on my own.

Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!


Now I just have to make nice with Funeral Directors.


Hummmmmm................

Ooooohhhhhh!!!!!

There appear to be political machinations at work.

There's been a row, and someone high up locally has resigned his position. Unfortunately, this is all to do with comments on a forum that I can't yet use because I haven't yet reached that stage in my accreditation. My concern is that everything will have been removed by the time I get onto it, and I'll miss out - believe me, I'm not a woman that likes to miss out on anything!

I shall have to chat with SWMBO and try to get more info, but she's got loads of family stuff going on at the moment, so I'll be a bit sensitive to that.

I do occasionally have dark thoughts about all this. I love the work, and admire, in principle, the organisation, but as with all structures there are elements of shit at work.

The celebrant who did my grandfather's funeral in January is not, as I believed at the time, a fully accredited member of the Association, but an independent. Apparently, he'd had a falling out with the Association some time ago, and went out on his own since then. It's not a course of action I would follow willingly. I've always worked in business and so I take a certain amount of comfort in the structure of such institutions. Having been to the local crematorium on Friday, however, and looked at the business cards on the notice board, it would appear that my main competition (God Squad aside) is in the form of a couple of independents.

It is better to have the weight of an organisation behind me, I think - as long as that organisation is strong, and not imploding thanks to the people within it.

Interesting and scary times.