The down side of being a control freak.

Many funeral celebrants have a touch of the control freak about them. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as it's why we panic about the details, and worry about getting everything right.

Having said that - bad moment this week, when I had a call from an FD. A family had been very happy with my ceremony (phew) but in the copy of the words that I'd given them, I'd spelt the deceased's middle name wrong. Of course, I corrected the words, re-printed them (two copies, as I understood that they wanted an additional copy for a close relative) and dropped them through the family's door within 24 hours.

Cue 48 hours of self-flagellation (and not in a good way) for having made such a basic mistake. This has always been a fear of mine. Back when I used to have a proper job, I was going for a promotion, and had to take some of those daft tests (psychometric?) where you have to answer 400 questions in half an hour, so that the people who have worked with you for three years can find out what you're like.

"Your attention to detail could do with some work," was the main negative comment.
"Mmm" I replied. "Didn't the fact that I forgot to put my name on the top of the form rather give that away?"

Anyway - I have resolved the problem as best I can, enclosed a letter of apology with the replacement copies and tried to move on. Occasional beating myself up will naturally follow in the dark days, but generally, I'll try to prevent the situation recurring, and get on with the next one.

As a control freak, there are times when I feel out of control. This is usually when a family has very strong ideas of how they want the funeral to go. If I think that they could do things better (I'm thinking in terms of "flow" and "mood" which are hard to create, easy to lose, and make a lot of difference, even if they sound poncy) then I try to tactfully make suggestions. However, if the family has a fixed notion of how things should be and don't like my ideas, then I am there to provide the ceremony that they want, and I will do my best within their framework.

This can take many forms:
"Can you read this message from Aunt Gertie?"
"Of course" (Only if I translate it from Chav into English first)

"Can we have the crescendo of the music just at such and such a point"
"I'll do my best" - I have been known to have copies of sheet music in the script with me, to help with my timing- my Nimrod/curtains moment was a triumph, even if I say so myself.

"Uncle Arthur would like to speak for fifteen minutes, about Dad's fascinating collection of pencil sharpeners, with particular reference to blade types."
"Of course." Even if I know that most people there would rather hear about something else.

Despite any misgivings, I willingly rescind my control freakery, however hard it may be - it's their funeral - I am merely the MC.


And then sometimes it goes the other way.

I have the funeral coming up of a very small person; born before their due date, deceased within days; the poor little mite never really had a chance.

I've done a couple of small people funerals before, but in both cases, the baby had been poorly since birth, and had lived long enough to give people memories and photographs. On one occasion, we talked about what the child had done for her parents, in terms of life experiences and what they had learnt about the kindness of others.

This family is very young, the parents of the small person don't want anyone else at the ceremony (no lecturn for me, I shall sit or stand nearer to them, as we go through the service). The parents have never been to a funeral before, let alone a funeral for a baby and so they don't really know what to expect.

They have left the entire thing in my hands, and I'm finding it terrifying. I'm fairly happy that I'll find the right words, I have some beautiful poems, and ideas of my own that I think will work well. I'm even feeling okay about delivering the thing, although I will allow myself a few hours "recovery time" afterwards. But the responsibility is resting more heavily on my shoulders than usual.

I can normally say that "we give back to the family what they give to us" in terms of tribute, choices of readings or poems, anecdotes and contributions. In this case, they didn't have much to give. One of the parents openly said that they are trying not to think about it, as it's all too upsetting. It's an understandable position.

I met the family, stayed with them for 15 minutes (which is shameful, but they really didn't have much to say to me), found out all I could, and offered them to call me at any time with any thoughts. It felt unsatisfactory to me (but hopefully not to them - they seemed keen for me to go) and I hope to make up for it on the day.

So every time in the future that I feel that the control is taken away from me, I shall look back on this situation and remember that having full control isn't always fun, either.