...some people are so ..... annoying.
Take the latest.... individual.
* In the preparation of the ceremony, every time the chief mourner decided upon something, he wanted to change it.
* Thanks to him, the funeral started late.
* He delivered a eulogy in which every sentence began with "I".
* He overran his allotted time (I had to cut him short in the end), by adding in historical details and alluding to skeletons in cupboards which were probably best left untouched.
* And then, oh joys, he said that he didn't know the deceased that well because he thought that he would die first, and so the eulogies would be delivered the other way around. (So the only reason to show interest in another person is to speak about them at their funeral? )
Since the thing has been over, I've had a message from him discussing our "joint presentation" (no dear, I was a gob on a stick and you were a speaker, we did not do a "joint presentation" - that would suggest collaberative co-operation and you were not co-operative) and suggesting that I was a little presumptuous in only alloting him a specified amount of time for his eulogy. The time frame was my client's instructions and if this person had spoken about the deceased, rather than himself, it would not have been an issue.
Of course, the man is grieving (but from all of the evidence, I don't think his relationship with the deceased was a close one).
And, as always, family relationships are complicated. This leads people to behave in ways which puts them into (as they see it) positions of importance.
But still I want to hit this person very hard.
So, I have a strategy. When someone is behaving like this, I wheel out the "academic research" theory. My only way of explaining these people is to assume that they are doing a piece of academic research to work out just how irritating they have to be before someone bitch-slaps them up the side of the head. There is no other reasonable explanation for such annoying, demanding and frustrating behaviour. And with this thought in my mind, I smile sweetly, carry on as if they are being perfectly reasonable, and add myself to their research data.
Yes, I realise it's nonsense, but it gets me through the day!
Love to all.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
I'm not a violent woman, but...
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3 comments:
H'm. Sympathies, XP. It is deeply frustrating to deal with such people, and calls upon the sort of professional tact and tolerance that I reckon few people outside the Dismal Trade realise that we need deploy from time to time. (Sorry if that sounds self-congratulatory.)
A colleague of mine walked into a family firestorm, when a brother phoned her the day after the ceremony and accused her of only using his sibling's words, of giving a one-sided view of the man who'd died, of unprofessionalism, of not giving him a chance to....I think global warming wasn't laid at my colleague's door, but most other evils were. She was deeply rattled, felt guilty and depressed. (Fairly new to the role)
I was bloody furious, on her behalf. He hadn't come to the family meeting, hadn't sent in any words of his own, nil input, though he knew about the funeral planning and the meeting. And he said nothing after the funeral - was quite pleasant, it seems.
Tactically, my colleague should, I think, have asked at the meeting if there was anyone else she ought to speak to. Then at least she could have pointed out that she had asked. Nevertheless,it seemed clear to me that what this brother was doing was working out his familial hostilities on an innocent. OK, he was grieving. My colleague was left on the floor.
Grief or not, I'm afraid my view is that the brother was behaving like a bit of a culture secretary.I may be being unkind and intemperate, but it can't be right to expect an empathetic and careful person doing a good job simply to soak up decades of family resentment. But - all we can do is make placatory gestures, and move on.
The loftily compassionate view, I guess, is that the saddest thing is the state of that family's relationships. But we've a job to do, and being left on the floor is not much help.
Fortunately, such extreme cases seem to be very rare. In fact, I'm impressed by how "well" people usually behave within families, even when there have been big tensions.
Academic research fantasy, wax dolls and pins, whatever juju works, works, I guess. Er - you didn't smack him one, did you XP?
X GM
I agree (as I'm sure Gordon would, too,) with GM. Grief is no excuse for bad manners. I know of an FD who had to take 6 months off with stress after such a savaging. I know what it feels like: I've been yelled at by an irate father-of-the-corpse: "That was nothing like him; you didn't know who you were talking about." True, of course; I had merely been briefed by others. It's the best we can do, being the only person present who didn't know the dead guy.
I think the worst thing about such people is not so much an aggressive disposition as their impenetrable complacency, the bequest of copperbottomed egotism.
If I may make so bold, here's another stratagy which may help. I designed it years ago when I found myself in the odd position of looking after children in a boarding school. One of them had a father who was bonkers, impossible and terminally maddening. I advised this lad that every time his dad went off on one he imagined he was a playwright who one day wanted to write a play about father. To this end it was necessary to stand back, observe and record. He found it very helpful. He never wrote the play, though. Pity!
Many thanks, Chaps.
That felt like a brave post, in a "oh no, we must be sympathetic" vein and I am, but you guys have reassured me of two things:
a), that some people are just plain unpleasant, regardless of their current state of grief
b) that we've all been there, and have different coping mechanisms (tempted by both the story writing and the wax doll ideas!)
And thanks also for your cautionary tales - it would be easy to let this stuff REALLY get to us!
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