In an earlier post I briefly touched on meeting folks before they die and promised/threatened a longer post on this.I've had a few recently, and they handed me a selection of experiences.
Firstly, people with cancer often think that they will live longer than they do. They talk, almost lightheartedly about having "a month or two left", but they still don't quite think that they're going to die (and who can blame them). Sadly, the reality is that the end of this period is likely to be spent unconscious and, often, the end comes sooner. It's not always the cancer itself that kills them, but something else that comes from having cancer.
But even with this experience, how does one bring the meeting forward. "Really? You don't think I'd better meet you tomorrow?" does not go down well. Last year I wrote a eulogy for a someone who had a terminal diagnosis. I blogged about it at the time - her family were less than impressed, both with her comments (she had painted herself in more glowing terms than they expected.), but also the fact that she had made these arrangements. The lady's family seemed to feel (although it was never expressed in so many words) that she had taken away from them the one "last thing they could do for her" and this left them floundering.
Thirdly, on a selfish note, these ceremonies are much harder. There is a certain comfort in standing up and saying "I didn't have the pleasure of knowing Bert, but I'm grateful to Ethel for all she told me". The boundaries are set, the detachment can remain. When I have had the pleasure, something changes. Even if it's just the memory of a pair of bright eyes, there is then a link which adds a new layer of emotion ot the proceedings. From that point of view, they are probably better, deeper and more meaningful. But they often require a choccie digestive with the cup of tea on return to X.Piry Towers.
And then, of course, there are the open ended cases. The phone calls that are never returned, the eulogies sent with no further correspondence. I like to think that the people I have met but can't get hold of are having a lovely cruise on the Caribbean.
Even though our livelihood may depend on the dearly departed, we don't always like to think of them as dead, either.
