In an earlier post I briefly touched on meeting folks before they die and promised/threatened a longer post on this.I've had a few recently, and they handed me a selection of experiences.
Firstly, people with cancer often think that they will live longer than they do. They talk, almost lightheartedly about having "a month or two left", but they still don't quite think that they're going to die (and who can blame them). Sadly, the reality is that the end of this period is likely to be spent unconscious and, often, the end comes sooner. It's not always the cancer itself that kills them, but something else that comes from having cancer.
But even with this experience, how does one bring the meeting forward. "Really? You don't think I'd better meet you tomorrow?" does not go down well. Last year I wrote a eulogy for a someone who had a terminal diagnosis. I blogged about it at the time - her family were less than impressed, both with her comments (she had painted herself in more glowing terms than they expected.), but also the fact that she had made these arrangements. The lady's family seemed to feel (although it was never expressed in so many words) that she had taken away from them the one "last thing they could do for her" and this left them floundering.
Thirdly, on a selfish note, these ceremonies are much harder. There is a certain comfort in standing up and saying "I didn't have the pleasure of knowing Bert, but I'm grateful to Ethel for all she told me". The boundaries are set, the detachment can remain. When I have had the pleasure, something changes. Even if it's just the memory of a pair of bright eyes, there is then a link which adds a new layer of emotion ot the proceedings. From that point of view, they are probably better, deeper and more meaningful. But they often require a choccie digestive with the cup of tea on return to X.Piry Towers.
And then, of course, there are the open ended cases. The phone calls that are never returned, the eulogies sent with no further correspondence. I like to think that the people I have met but can't get hold of are having a lovely cruise on the Caribbean.
Even though our livelihood may depend on the dearly departed, we don't always like to think of them as dead, either.
3 comments:
Humane and sensible as ever XP - and only one choc digers back at the Hall!
Interesting issues you raise, and useful distinctions. I've had the pleasure of meeting a couple who both have the sort of heart condition that could take them at any moment, though happily they were fit and well when we met. I think of them from time to time - such nice people - and hope they are well, but of course I can,t phone up to see how they are. The subtext would be dreadful, ranging from "I see, still well, are we? H'mm...." to " well I have plenty of capacity at present but January is often very busy..."
But they are both younger than me, and if one of the things in life that is certain is taxes,we all know what the other one is, and none of us exactly knows when. (Yes, I know, it's being so cheerful as keeps me going.....)
I must say, I love it when I am asked to do a funeral by some one who's died, whether I have planned it with them or not. It makes me feel much more licensed. Yes, oh yes, more emotional, too, but I'm not a believer in professional detachment when it comes to a tear or two; the bell tolls for me, too.
Very interesting, that family who didn't like it all being taken out of their hands. They've got a point.
Thanks for the comments.
Gloria - interesting stuff, the good folks I've met have all had an illness of the "lingering" kind, but people who could die suddenly? They must have a very interesting outlook on life.
(ps enjoy your holiday).
Charles, when I spoke to the FD about this one, he said that when he does a "pre-pay" arrangement, he suggests that not everything is tied up with those arrangements, as the good folks left behind need some purpose in the proceedings. I guess it comes back to the perennial question of "who is the funeral for?".
Thanks again.
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