Getting scared and getting it off my chest

I wonder if I'm "stable" enough for this job.

Oddly, not for the actual work - there are times when I get very upset over the circumstances and the people that I'm dealing with, but I'm happy to sit at my keyboard and have a good cry that seems to get most of it out of my system.

No, my concern is the up and down nature of the workload. I get in a right old panic if I haven't got anything lined up, and am convinced that someone is out there doing all of the ceremonies that I could be doing.

The problem isthat I think I could be right.

There is a chap, very well known around town (used to be in the local media) who seems to be getting quite a few ceremonies. He seems particularly good at getting the high profile ones (young, tragic deaths, that type of thing).

The place where I live is very territorial and this chap is well known so it's not surprising that people will be comforted by having him looking after them. But this is all making me feel impotent. I'm trying to promote myself, to get myself known, but I don't want to start "stalking" the local FDs.

I feel back in the situation that I was in over a year ago - happy to stand and fall by my work, but feeling that I'm not getting the opportunity to prove myself.

This is what I mean about my instability. A phone call or two with a ceremony and I'll be back on form; the insecurity dragon will be sleeping again. And I am fairly confident that thanks to the work that I've done in the past, there are one or two FDs at least who have me at the top of their list, if someone wants a non-religious funeral.

These feelings always seems to rear their head on a Saturday morning, when I don't feel that I can do anything constructive to help my situation for at least 48 hours.

Oh well -there's always chocolate. That seems to slay the dragon for a while.