I've just been going through an old notebook, and found this entry from a couple of months ago.
This is it, this is the moment that I was simultaneously dreading and expecting.
It had all been going too well - I was beginning to think that I was the dog's swingers at this funeral lark, but now I'm having my usual feelings of "I'm crap, I'm causing problems for everyone else, I'll never be employed again and its no more than I deserve".
The problem is a ceremony later this week. It could be huge, so we have concerns about timing. The arranger didn't book a double slot and we could have problems moving people in and out.
This is not my fault and, as many people want to speak, I shall say almost nothing, but the problem is that the situation has created a load of problems for the FD and I feel like I'm adding to them. Eg - the music. I thought 48 hours notice was enough for Wesley, but now it turns out that it might not be, due to the relative obscurity of the tracks.
Basically, my inexperience is coming through and I'm feeling out of control; both of which are making me feel low.
It's mad, it's not the end of the world, but I feel somehow diminised in the FDs eyes. This is an unpleasant feeling, mostly because I like and respect her very much, but also because I don't want this situation to jeopardise our working relationship and future work.
At the end of the day, I can only do my best (which thus far has been okay) and hope to redeem myself.
That was two months ago, and I have only just been asked by the same FD to do another ceremony. The arranger says that they haven't had any humanist ones for a while, which may well be the case.
The ceremony did over-run, but actually went pretty well. I spent the whole day thinking that the FD thought I was a numpty (maybe she does?) but the family were pleased and I got a nice thank you note from them afterwards.
This was the bit of the learning curve I'd been expecting - the bit just after "I can do this", when something, however trivial, goes wrong, and you feel a complete muppet for not forseeing it. But it's healthy, it stops me getting complacent (I hope) and makes the next ceremonies I do better.
Life is all about learning.
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Gosh, X. Piry, I know just how you feel, but I don't know that it's how you ought to feel.
Taking the dog image, it looks to me as if the tail was wagging the dog here - as is so often the case where FDs and celebrants work together.
Issue 1: FDs are appalling at booking a double slot, even when it's very apparent that one is needed. The practice of booking slots before the celebrant has been able to determine how long the ceremony is likely to last is to blame. As was the FD in this case.
Issue 2: I'd have thought that Wesley can easily find obscure music in 48 hours. They are immensely skilful and helpful. Dammit, they can find music in 5 minutes for FDs who have forgotten to order! And why is it that FDs book the music when the ceremony is none of their business? I suspect your FD was being unecessarily overanxious.
Issue 3: You were working for the family, not the FD. If the family was happy, so ought the FD to have been.
I know, I know, we all focus intensively on getting it right and allowing nothing to go wrong, and that's a source of constant worry. But it looks to me as if this FD is simply asserting her status and keeping you both insecure and dependent.
When you compare the job of the FD with that of a celebrant, it is observable that the celebrant is responsible for that part of the process which, for the family, is the focus and the climax. What celebrants do is, arguably, both harder and more important than anything FDs do.
Why don't FDs work for celebrants? Wouldn't that be the right way round?
One big consolation: I suspect our job is much, much more interesting than theirs!
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