Logistics
It's been a heady few weeks.
I had the ceremony of a particularly tragic young man, who took his own life. For some reason, he decided to travel many miles from where he lived to near where I live and committed suicide here. There was nothing to suggest that he would do anything like this and so his family (which includes his very young children) are in complete shock.
Because of this, they didn't want me standing at the microphone spouting about this chap and so, instead, we were just having a couple of poems and a lot of music.
Due to geographical distance, the family sent a CD of the music to the local crematorium who duly checked that it played. So far, so average.
When I turned up with my cue sheet for the chapel attendants (at this particular crem, they play all of the music from a separate room), we realised that the family had put all of the tunes to be played as if they were one music track. To say that panic set in, was an understatement.
We were frantically fast forwarding through the CD, to be able to mark the times when each piece started and finished, so that the guys would know what to play when. Paul, our backstage man for that day was "man of the match", I can tell you. He played a blinder and the family need never know how much anxiety they caused us.
Emotions
Then we had another tragic case - it was my first funeral for a baby. The poor little boy had been unwell since birth, and there are all sorts of investigations going on about the causes of his birth defects, but on the day of the ceremony, none of this mattered - it was all about his parents, his family and terrible sadness.
Again, the chapel attendant (different crematorium) played a blinder, matching music to curtains and the like. The whole thing actually went rather well. On a purely selfish and personal note, I was pleased and relieved that I didn't cry, although I came close a few times. I was a bit of a space cadet afterwards, but I think that it's allowed. The family seemed happy with what I'd done (lots of hugs on their way out), so that's all I can ask for.
Gifts
It's been a week for people to show their appreciation. To be honest, I don't expect anything more than a handshake when we say goodbye after the ceremony - people are upset and I am just one of the people who helps them along the way. Twice this week, however, I've had families give me gifts in appreciation of my services (yes, Mr Taxman, I am aware of my obligations). I find it flattering, reassuring (not so bad at my job after all, then) and a little embarrassing - after all, they're already paying my fee. However, if they want to do it, I shall be gracious and say thank you very much. It would feel churlish not to.
Misunderstandings.
I've had three ceremonies put into the diary in the last few weeks, only to be scrubbed out again. In all three cases, it's because the conversation has been drawing to a close, when I've been asked "so you'll just do a couple of prayers, then?".
I know that this is a contentious issue and I try to be as flexible as possible but no, I don't say prayers in my ceremonies. They are non-religious ceremonies.
When we are going into a period of music or silence for reflection, I always flag this as a time for those with a faith to say their private prayers. If the prayer is important to the family, I offer that if someone else wants to lead prayers, I will happily stand to one side. I know that I include hymns in my ceremonies, but I believe that music is a different language and that the words aren't always the key part (if I sing "we're all living in a yellow submarine, it doesn't mean that I believe that we are under the surface of the waves in a primary coloured transportation vessel").
However, I do feel that, if nothing else in all this, I must be true to myself and I don't feel comfortable saying prayers, partly because of my own non-belief (I wish we had a positive word for it) and partly because I don't want others to think that this is what a humanist or a non-religious funeral is.
I'm not saying "never", because a circumstance may arise which makes me feel differently, but right now, I feel that it would be a compromise too far.
I may lose business out of it, but I have to stick to my principles, even if they're unpopular. As long as I don't sour my relationships with the funeral directors, then I hope we'll be okay.
Does life have to be so complicated?
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2 comments:
Great stories from the 'coalface'. Thank you so much for sharing them. Does life have to be so complicated? I guess it's inevitable given the paradox that a heartfelt, free-flowing and seemingly spontaneous ceremony requires expert stage management and a cold focus on getting it split-second spot on.
Perhaps swans are our best role models: all imperturbability and serene beauty on the surface; beneath, feet going like mad.
I think that prayers can be seen as being on a par with hymns. It's not the words, it's the wordmusic. Prayers are a ritual element merely -- and often a lot better written than 'Do not stand at my grave and weep'. Soon, people will stop asking for them because they'll have no childhood connection with them.
Put it another way, I don't think god is taken in by them for a minute.
I feel that this is an issue Humanists must grapple with seriously, perhaps even re-inventing for themselves the idea of "prayer". In many ways it is about group focus, a ritualsitic mind meld that asks us, for a very short period, to pool our emotions and give them intention. This is not the same as a beseeching request to a jealous and angry god, more like group meditation, collectivism at it's best. It doesn't have to be Biblical; try Walt Whitman, Voltaire, Mary Oliver or even Lenny Bruce, anything that can be absorbed in silence that invites reflection.
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