I'm in the middle of a bad week.
Firstly, my favourite FD has sold his business. It was a lovely, small co; he ran a place on one side of town, his partner ran a similar place on the other and they pooled a few resources between them. Of course, I wish him a long and happy retirement, but I shall miss him. He's a nice guy - one of those chaps that the families always praise when I visit them. And he and his partner have sold to a local chain; I don't yet know which one, but I have my suspicions. I'm sure that they will also do their best for their clients, but I feel the icy finger of "corporate", which worries me. I understand that my mate (who, incidentally, was the first FD to give me any work) will be around for a few months, but it still makes me sad that he'll be off after that.
Secondly, I had a weird moment. I met a family to help look after their Mum's arrangement. When I was asking how I should address Mum in the ceremony, they said a word that's not a name......except it was also my Mum's nickname! I had to explain to them why I looked so shocked when they said it, after all, I had never expected to do a ceremony with that name. It was also weird writing "I didn't have the pleasure of knowing......", and using my Mum's name because clearly, I did know her, and it's thanks to her contribution to the gene pool that I have a lifelong battle with facial hair. (TMI? Sorry, I like to share).
Thirdly, and this is the kicker, I've just come home from a nearby crem. It's taken until ceremony number 192, but I have finally reached the moment I've been expecting and dreading, the "funeral-ruining moment that's all my fault."
I had been told that the family wanted the curtains left open. When I double checked with them at the meeting, we decided that we would have the committal right at the end and, in my head, this meant close the curtains on the way out.
The ceremony went well, contributors spoke well, there was music, the eulogy was well received. Then, right at the end, as I'm saying my words of committal, I pressed the button and the curtains started to close.
"X.Piry. Can you stop the curtains" said the chief mourner. Unfortunately, on that particular lectern there is no return switch.
I apologised, of course, and as soon as I had left the chapel, the attendant went and opened them again (I now know where that particular button is), so that the family etc could have their moment with the coffin. But I felt absolutely dreadful.
In many ways, I was very lucky. This was a relatively calm family, and the gent who had died had lived a long and full life with a few months of illness at the end. If there had been people in the hysterical stages of grief, it would have been even more awful. I apologised to everyone, and folks (including the family) still said nice things about the ceremony, but I could have kicked myself.
When I make a mistake, I always try to take something positive from it, things I could do to stop it recurring and to make it better if it does happen again. Well, I can do the latter, as my final closing words were rather swallowed in the confusion. I should have read them all again to let people hear them.
But could I stop this happening again? I need to make my notes clearer; cross out for change of mind and underline for "yes, that's definitely what they want". I already check and double check, so a triple check might work, but ultimately, I'd got the idea in my head, so may not have believed my own notes, no matter how many times I'd read them.
So, all in all, I'm feeling extremely upset and cross with myself. It could have been a lot worse, but it could have been better. Ultimately, I know I've got to learn from it and move on, but I fear complacency, hence my legendary ability to beat myself up.
I think I will make a contribution to the family's collection - as an apology, rather than an attempt to right the situation with money. Apart from that, what can I do?
I must be like Robert Green, the ball went into the goal and it was my fault. But I've come home to emails about the next ceremonies and I can't let this mistake ruin more than one funeral. I've got to pick myself up, and make sure that my arm is in the right place for the save in the second half.
It's the only way I can still get picked as no 1.
Thank you for listening.
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3 comments:
That's a real shame for you, it's a crappy feeling. However, they did in the end get their moment with the coffin,and I bet you feel disproportionately bad about it.
I expect the answer from the family to the question "how did it all go?" would be " fine, except we had to ask for the curtains to be re-opened." I very much doubt it was "she ruined it for us."
One of my best was when I accredited the wrong member of the family with something. It was the only time in the tribute that she was mentioned, because according to her step-dad, with whom she had a poor relationship, she hadn't bothered to see much of her grand-dad before he died. So she was able to get paranoid about it, despite my explaning (practically on my knees) that it was my fault; she could blame her step-dad for the general unfairness of life, even at funerals.
This happened because the step-dad was vague and difficult to follow during the family meeting, and I didn't press him enough for clarification. So, as you say, Xp, learn the lesson and move on. Easier said than done, but essential. The next family needs you, and you'll do a good job. The reason I know you'll do a good job is because of your reaction to making a mistake.
That's a good tip, not only to check but to underline for a "yes" just so you know it's checked.I shall use that.
yours in fellow-feeling,
Gloria M
Thanks for your kind words, GM, I know that you're right, so I'll try to cut down the self-flagellation.
It was also kind of you to share your example. Such families can be difficult, and you speak truth that this lady could carry on blaming her step dad for everything.
With extremely grateful thanks.
X.P
xx
I think GM is spot on here. I would echo his words to the syllable. All celebrants have shrieking, gibbering skeletons in their cabinets. My, how we beat ourselves up. I once finished the words of the committal, sat down and waited for the undertaker to come and get rid of them. For reasons unknown I blanked about the closing words I had agreed to say. There was a long wait... Praise the lord for good gun laws in this country or I would certainly have blown my brains out.
We try desperately hard to get it right. We do belt,braces and then some. But to err is human. And GM is right: we probably greatly overrate the awfulness of our VERY RARE screwups.
Tis indeed a shame about your nice FD. But he creates an opening for a nice new start-up. Corps don't work. The business model is bust.
There are always sunlit uplands over the horizon! We must swim on, always beating against the current. It is our lot!
I hope you had a jolly nice holiday.
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