Other people's perceptions of us are always odd, aren't they?
If you were to ask me the sort of ceremonies that I thought FDs would select me for, I would say the ones where the deceased was a "loveable rogue" and there was a lot of laughter at the arrangement visit. I can often find the humour in things, have a pathological need to lighten the mood and can deliver a story with acceptable comic timing, so these seem the most natural fit.
Imagine my surprise the other day, therefore, when I had a call from an arranger. The gent who had died had been the reclusive sort. He'd never married or had children. Didn't travel, did the same job for many decades; he'd worked hard but without ambition. He had great no passions or hobbies, had lived quietly, on the fringes of his family and, for the last few years, had suffered from dementia. But, of course, the family wanted to pay tribute to him; his life had been long and they felt that he deserved a good send off.
So I was called because, it seems, I'm "good at finding out stuff". Now, Mr X.Piry interpreted this phrase as "nosey" and agreed heartily (harsh but fair), but I was surprised. Yes, I do ask lots of questions, and my favourite one is "why" ("so why did they move there, then?", "why did he particularly like non-fiction", "why did he mean so much to you?") but I had a vision for a moment of me, sitting with the family, shining a light in their eyes and forcing them to tell me the name of their uncle's pet dog!
As it turns out, we had a nice friendly chat, I found out a bit about the man (general interests, how he interacted with the family etc) and agreed with the good folks that it probably wouldn't be a terribly long ceremony (I think we were 20 mins in total). They were happy with this and, after the ceremony, were complimentary, saying that line which always means a lot - "He would have loved that".
Of course, each funeral is individual, but this one was relatively safe, calm and nothing out of the ordinary happened. But it has got me wondering about how I'm viewed and, more to the point, is this a good thing? Does it mean that there's more than one string to my bow? Or am I simply the smiling interrogator?
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4 comments:
But XP, we have to ask questions to do our job, and it's commendable that a funeral arranger should recognise that quality in you that results in a good ceremony for such a situation. It's not easy making a good job out of little biographical material and perhaps not much emotional resonance, not much to weld the general things on to.
So I'd see it as a good sign, and for an answer to the question you ask about yourself - I'd take the the "more strings to my bow" answer, were I you!
I suspect the quality the arranger was thinking of was disarmingness.
Thanks guys - I did take it as a compliment, just as a surprising one (FD doesn't usually use me etc.....).
Charles - not sure about disarming - still makes me think of being a bit of a heavy! :-)
Love and peace to all.
Most arrangers worth their salt have an assortment of celebrants / officiants who they know will fit a family' particular requirements. Being tenacious in a gentle tactful way often obtains results in building up a picture of the deceased. You obviously have subtle qualities which are appreciated and perhaps the reason why you were chosen for this family - how fortunate for them!. I know with some families it can be pretty hard going in gathering information without the pre-funeral interview turning into so sort of interrogation. Skills such as yours are not learnt but honed and refined with experience gained over the years. Well done!
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