The wonderful Charles over on the Good Funeral Guide recently posted a very thought provoking post: http://www.goodfuneralguide.co.uk/2013/08/eulogy-sandwich-enough-nourish-grief/ about the lack of ritual around dying when it comes to secular funerals.
I will be honest - this was not comfortable reading for me - I am a celebrant who quite often delivers the "eulogy sandwich" - for many people it seems to be what they want but it has also been what I suggest and they don't have anything better of their own to top it.
The following may sound like an exercise in self-justification (and maybe part of it is), but I wonder how much we can do, while remaining British (or, at least, English).
How many funeral directors, arrangers, bearers, ministers and celebrants have said "No, it's fine" because a family member has apologised for "being silly"; as if crying in grief is as daft as putting coffee in the same cup as the teabag, or tucking your skirt into your knickers.
How many people have passed up the chance to speak at the funeral of someone who meant the world to them, for fear of "embarrassing themselves"? We try to reassure them that there is no embarrassment; that grief is a sign of how great the person was.... but they decline, worried about somehow imploding.
It's a fine balance - we encourage people to be as much a part of the ceremony as they want, but without putting pressure on them. Ay, there's the rub.
Seeing this article http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/at-that-hour-dealing-with-death-8795121.html about how well Irish people deal with bereavement may hold the clues. There is a culture of accepting death and knowing what to do when it happens. There is a lack of embarrassment when someone is bereaved, an openness to talk and a willingness to offer practical help.
Cultures do not form overnight but there are many positive things happening at the moment; Death Cafes, organisations such as The Natural Death Centre and Dying Matters are helping to raise the profile of discussing death. And the Good Funeral awards (couldn't go as I was conducting a wedding, but hope to be there next year) all help to get people talking about the inevitable as well as acknowledging those who are making the strides forward.
Of course, at a time when we encourage more choice, this can add to the pressure and dilute the rituals. For every family who wants to look after their loved one at home, dig the grave themselves and decorate the coffin, there are many families who want someone else to do all of that stuff and are left feeling guilty about it. What would be helpful and useful to one person would be intrusive and painful for others.
At the bottom line, talking about death and feeling more comfortable with it have got to be the way to go; only then will anyone feel that they can offer or accept help and they will feel equally comfortable if they say no, wanting to either do things themselves, or hand the tasks over to someone paid to do it.
If we ever get to that stage, we'll have done well.
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1 comment:
Wisdom here XP, and realism. The celebrants I spoke to at the GF Awards agreed that most funerals they work on are more or less conventional.
I'm trying to work away from the chronological calendar of life events and pull out the themes of a life and a character these days, but as you so well say, it all depends on the families.
Accepting our mortality and being able to talk about it would heal a lot of sores in our culture, I feel, and above all, in bereavement and funerals.
Good thinking stuff. I'll muse on.
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