Too much choice?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too soft for this game.

When I'm talking to a family, I have an idea in my head of the structure that makes a successful ceremony, in terms of flow, breaking up long periods of speech with music, looking after contributors, trying to give people time and space to deal with their emotions etc and leading them, as gently as possible, to the committal, if they're having one, with or without curtains.

However, this is just an idea in my head and, when asked, I will suggest it to families, but make a point of saying "this is not cast in stone", "this is your loved one", "it's up to you what type of ceremony you want".....

I am in a situation where I am taking a funeral for a lady whose husband died three years ago. At that time, a local registrar conducted that service. This means that I'm now getting the registrar's structure inflicted on me, for no other reason than it's familiar to the people involved.

This is not a big problem - I'll write the ceremony to meet the family's requirements even if (as stated in previous posts), I don't think it's the best choice. But I do resist having the headings of the ceremony section headings dictated to me.

For example, I call my last bit "closing words". It does exactly what it says in the tin. It's the parish notices, if you will, the thanking people for coming, telling them which charity has been nominated, giving directions to the pub, those sorts of things. I try to end with a positive, uplifting and consoling note, such as taking comfort from memories of a life well lived, and learning from the lessons taught by the one who is no longer with us.

However, I am not going to tell people how to feel about what I say. And so I did politely request that the final section be called "closing words", not "messages of farewell and comfort". They might not be comforted. If someone's going through the angry stage of their grieving, my saying "she's still alive in your memory" is not necessarily going to make them feel better.

The family said that they weren't given much of a choice on structure with Dad's ceremony, and that they went along with what was suggested. So perhaps this is what I should be doing? I fear that my "you can have what you like" approach may come across as wishy-washy, but I would rather think of it as flexible.

I'm not going to change my approach - even if it creates more work (it would be easier to fill in a template). I can't put my hand on my heart and say that I create individual ceremonies if I'm just slotting bits of text into a box. Being viewed as weak is a chance I'll have to take.

There is a temptation to make this competitive ("oh, is that all the registrar wrote, I can do better than that"), but the mantra continues...It's not about me, it's not about me, it's not about me.

Am I being petty about the headings? Possibly, but much as it's not about me, as celebrants there has to be a bit of personal truth in what we do, otherwise we might as well stand there and read out the phone directory. And telling people that they should feel comforted is way outside of my personal truth.

Ultimately, all I can do is my best, true to everything that the family has asked for (the headings don't really matter to them, judging by our conversation) and deliver a good ceremony, paying the right tribute to their Mum.

Not sure why this is bothering me so much, but there we go.

Get off my land - update

Thanks to Gloria and Charles for their comments on my earlier post.

I was working in Coastville last week with an FD who is based in a small place between there and Seatown.

"So, lovely Mr FD", I asked, "Why can't I get any work in Seatown?"

His answer was, plain and simply, the competition.

There are some independents (mostly former registrars from what he was saying) and FDs will give them a chance. Fair enough, they did the same for me a couple of years ago.

I was almost relieved with his answer - I was beginning to suffer from the "oh no, what have I done to upset everyone?" paranoia common to many in this game.

So, I need to make sure that I remind the Seatown FDs of my existence, and smile my sweetest smile when I visit, hoping that my card goes on the top of the pile for a while.

My big fear is that the hordes of competition move into Coastville - then I am snookered.

Charles asked whether or not being a celebminister is a viable way to earn a living. Possibly not, but here's the rub. To be a celebminister, you have to be available. Very few FDs ring up and ask "When are you free?" before making their bookings - we are too far down the food chain for that. And if we're not free, somebody else will be.

This level of availability is not always easy, if you're doing other work. I was very lucky that I was allowed a form of flexi-time, but this is not available, or practical, for everyone.

I do also do namings and weddings (in the midst of death, we are in life...) and a few other (very minor) bits and pieces, so I'n not entirely reliant on the dead. But I would be in shtuck if I had no funerals at all.

Still, the fear is one of the things that makes us do our best, go the extra mile and try to make that ceremony exceed expectations. It's a hunger that I don't want to lose.