Something positive

I realise that I usually complain a lot on this blog.

However, I have the story of an absolutely cracking funeral. And I'm not being immodest. One of the reasons that it was so great was that I had very little to do with it!

The deceased was a singer who had reached a good age. His son is the most organised man on the planet. He arranged the whole thing, we had running orders, he'd lined up the contributors, and, following our discussions, we'd even allowed some contingencies if the contributors ran over time. We had a double time slot, and he had been to the venue at least twice to check out the location, the sound system and anything else he wanted to know (even how long the curtains take to close...). This was a great case of the family taking as much control of the funeral as they wanted. The FD and I simply stood by and acted on our instructions.

This man (the son) has a great energy and dynamism about him, and so although the control freak in me usually resists being told what to do, I just didn't mind in this case.

And it worked beautifully. The music sounded great. We didn't get to have the "open mic" slot we'd hoped for when folks could stand up and say what they wanted, because of time constraints, but that was our contingency. They were all off to a great celebration afterwards, so no doubt many stories were being shared there.

Never have I had so much praise for doing so little. Yes, I still gave a lot of time and consideration to the bits that I was saying (finding the right quotes, etc), but in comparison with many ceremonies, I didn't have to do as much. The tributes were all coming from the family and friends who knew the gent, I was just audience and button presser.

So many people afterwards said "That's what I want...." which is very gratifying (although they will need to get the gent's son involved, as he was the one who did it all). I was just the MC, the Assistant Stage Manager, the gob on a stick.

It was an honour and a privilege to do.



Apologies
I would like to apologise to Rupert who, accurately, chastised me for not responding to his comments. I have now responded to his direct question by email and I would like to apologise for my rudeness.

I don't always reply to comments on the blog - although it's my blog, I don't want it ever to be a place where folks may want to comment (particularly if they disagree with me) and feel that they can't because I'm going to come back arguing.

However, I am very grateful to all who read it and who take the time to comment - it is appreciated, even if I don't make that plain.

Is it common to talk about money?

I've just had a conversation with a funeral arranger that has left me feeling uncomfortable.

I opened my cheque from this company, to find that they had paid me last year's fee. Mine went up at the beginning of this year. I rang to say that it wasn't a problem, but please could they amend my records to reflect the new figure?

It would appear that the answer is "no".

The reason is that my fee is more than £10 higher than the local clergy. Now, I'm not in the business of promoting myself by criticizing others, but what I didn't say is that each of my ceremonies is composed from scratch, word by word. Yes, there are some readings and ideas that are universal and get re-used, but they are all re-written for the individual concerned - I don't have a standard service to follow.

I am aware that the best clergy also personalise everything and spend a great deal of time with their families and that there are probably bad humanists who just knock out their standard service without much thought (if there are, then people should complain - I don't want such people giving us all a bad name). But I take my work very seriously, I invest a lot of time in each ceremony and I don't think that what I get as an hourly rate is particularly high, when the full amount of time that each one takes, from start to finish, is taken into account. It's not as though anyone becomes a celebrant to get rich!

I also didn't talk about the ceremonies that I don't charge for (such as the ones for the very small people).

I'm not much of a negotiator (as you can tell), so I more or less backed down right away. I'm still sufficiently new at this that the fear of losing work is greater than the fear of losing a few quid.

But now I feel like the stuff I clear from the litter tray.

At best, I will lose a few quid each time I work for this FD, but, at worst, I won't work for this FD again and will get known as a money grabber. (Forgive me, I have an active imagination and occasional paranoia).

I wish I hadn't made the call now, but I guess that it's better to talk about this stuff then not.

The arranger said that he had received some very good feedback about my work and was happy to recommend me, but was worried about pushing my services when my fee is so much more and funerals are already so expensive. Yes, they are, and in the scheme of things my fee is a very small proportion when the family also has a limousine and flowers and.....

I'll get over it; I always do. I'll go and see the arranger and make sure that we're still friends. It wasn't an angry call on either side, but it has left me with a nasty taste in my mouth.

Ah well.....onwards.

Shortchanging the dead - update

Many thanks for the kind comments to the previous post.

Well, we're through the other side and I'm delighted to say that it went....okay....ish. Or at least better than expected.

I wish I'd read Charles's comments earlier - I did as he suggested but not, I feel, as eloquently as he would.

I put in lots of thoughts on life and death, our connectionswith others, how the deceased will live on through the family and memories of those who love him....

I explained that humanist funerals can include tributes to the deceased, but in this case, his family had asked that those present be given time to think about him and to reflect upon what made him special to them (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the drift.....)

What actually saved us today was nothing to do with me (of course), it was the music. The family had chosen pieces which hadn't looked promising on paper, but they actually worked really well.

It wasn't a long service and I still feel it would have been better with a fuller tribute, but it didn't turn into the train wreck that I'd been fearing and for that, I'm glad.

I didn't get quite my usual quota of handshakes and "thank you very much" afterwards, but the fact that I got any was a pleasant surprise.

Ultimately, the dignity and the very nature of the occasion seemed to win out.; egos were put aside (hopefully mine, too), and there were expressions of sorrow, but not anger. It was all pleasantly calm. Now, whether or not that's the right way to grieve? I'm no psychologist, but it did mean that the whole thing passed off without aggravation and additional upset. There had been enough of that already. I'm glad that there was some resting in peace.

Shortchanging the Dead

It's been very busy just recently (ten ceremonies in as many days) and so I am (happily) working all hours so that none of my families feel anything other than theirs is the only funeral I have to work on.

But one family has made me cross. The deceased was brought up in a very religious family but has moved away from his faith. As a result, he wants a non-religious ceremony, which is why I was called.

I met with his son, who told me some lovely tales of his father's life, some stuff was funny, other stuff really demonstrated that the deceased had the human frailties of us all, but that he was essentially a decent man.

I spent Sunday afternoon writing up the tribute part of the ceremony. Yes, I had included
some of the funny bits, but I was, essentially painting my usual picture of the chap - not ignoring his faults, but emphasising his qualities.

Then, yesterday morning, I got a call from the son that I had met. Apparently his elder sister thinks that we are taking the mickey out of Dad, and so I was given dictation over the phone of what they want me to say. It will take me about 90 seconds, tops.

I could certainly (and would willingly) tone down the funny bits of the tribute, if the family wanted, but I'm not even allowed to do that. I am to say exactly as I've been told. I warned the son that we wouldn't have many words in the ceremony, and he seemed to accept that, giving me to understand that this is more to do with the lack of a faith leader in the ceremony than anything else.

This has made me somewhat cross.

• The deceased isn't getting a fitting tribute, and I am short changing him, but yes, he is dead, and the ceremony is for his family, so they must have what they want. It doesn't sit well with me, though.
• I don't want anyone thinking that this is a typical humanist ceremony. I will do my best with what I can, and explain (tactfully) that the structure of the ceremony is at the family's request, but it is going to be a very poor show, and that worries me.
• If I were a religious minister, would I be as flexible? Or would I insist on certain things in the ceremony. Probably, but I don't think that the stuff I'm being asked to leave out can come under any heading of "essential" if the family don't want it.
• I could have spent that time so much better on another family's ceremony.

Talking of time, I should now get back to the job in hand. But this is a very frustrating situation. In my heart I would like to say "oh, go and find yourself a minister", but that wouldn't be the deceased's wishes either, and I think that some of us should defend them.

Ultimately, I'm just here to do what the family want. What a shame they want such a rubbish thing.