Death of a supermarket revolutionary

So, Theo Albrecht, the man who, along with his brother, brought us the Aldi supermarket chain, has died.

According to the article, his funeral, a private burial, has already taken place.

But you know that you’re in the funeral business when you read about a death, and wonder how the ceremony will go.

Now, please understand, I mean no disrespect to Heir Albrecht or to his shops (I’m as happy to buy cheap groceries as anyone), but I began to ponder his funeral, if it was like a visit to one of his stores.

Of course, like a bargain laptop, everyone would have to wait until they’ve got a coffin available, so there could be a bit of a delay, and then a quick “window of opportunity”, while caskets are in stock.

On the day itself, mourners would arrive, but not too early, due to the restrictions on parking (can’t be more than an hour, or it won’t be free). The spaces would be small, and there is nowhere in particular for the hearse to go.

An order of service would be available, giving all of the details in eight different languages.

When the FD and his team arrive, they would look very like any other FD….but not quite. Their uniforms are slightly different, and don’t fit too well, but they cover all the important bits, so job done. The coffin is a little dented and scratched, but still serves its purpose.

The flowers would be just inside the door of the chapel, wrapped in bright cellophane and stuck in a cardboard box.

The coffin would be carried in, very fast, and then the bearers would stand, like check out operatives, looking impatient as the mourners make their way to their seats (accompanying music? Money’s too tight to mention?). And, of course, there would be no fancy carved catafalque; the coffin would be on a pallet.

Finally, everyone is in, the FD returns to his bearers, who all bow, in respect to the man in the box. And then we hear the little clicks, as they each get their £1 back from their trolley.

This is meant as a bit of fun, rather than a poke at Mr Albrecht. I wish him and his family nothing but good. But it makes you wonder, doesn’t it? How popular would the supplier of the “no frills” funeral be? There are a few breaking into the market now, so let’s see how they do.