So, Theo Albrecht, the man who, along with his brother, brought us the Aldi supermarket chain, has died.
According to the article, his funeral, a private burial, has already taken place.
But you know that you’re in the funeral business when you read about a death, and wonder how the ceremony will go.
Now, please understand, I mean no disrespect to Heir Albrecht or to his shops (I’m as happy to buy cheap groceries as anyone), but I began to ponder his funeral, if it was like a visit to one of his stores.
Of course, like a bargain laptop, everyone would have to wait until they’ve got a coffin available, so there could be a bit of a delay, and then a quick “window of opportunity”, while caskets are in stock.
On the day itself, mourners would arrive, but not too early, due to the restrictions on parking (can’t be more than an hour, or it won’t be free). The spaces would be small, and there is nowhere in particular for the hearse to go.
An order of service would be available, giving all of the details in eight different languages.
When the FD and his team arrive, they would look very like any other FD….but not quite. Their uniforms are slightly different, and don’t fit too well, but they cover all the important bits, so job done. The coffin is a little dented and scratched, but still serves its purpose.
The flowers would be just inside the door of the chapel, wrapped in bright cellophane and stuck in a cardboard box.
The coffin would be carried in, very fast, and then the bearers would stand, like check out operatives, looking impatient as the mourners make their way to their seats (accompanying music? Money’s too tight to mention?). And, of course, there would be no fancy carved catafalque; the coffin would be on a pallet.
Finally, everyone is in, the FD returns to his bearers, who all bow, in respect to the man in the box. And then we hear the little clicks, as they each get their £1 back from their trolley.
This is meant as a bit of fun, rather than a poke at Mr Albrecht. I wish him and his family nothing but good. But it makes you wonder, doesn’t it? How popular would the supplier of the “no frills” funeral be? There are a few breaking into the market now, so let’s see how they do.
Showing posts with label funeral. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funeral. Show all posts
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Monday, 28 June 2010
Training with the shoe on the other foot
Contrary to popular belief, the BHA regularly takes on new funeral celebrants.
If there is evidence to the contrary, this is because local celebrants resist someone new on their patch (but that is a post for another day).
As I’m now nearly at 200 ceremonies under my belt and I inevitably end up training, no matter what job I do, I thought I would become a trainer for the BHA.
I had to apply and go through a selection process (which was more nerve-wracking than I think that it needed to be, but a useful exercise) and I have now completed the first training sessions for the latest group.
They’re a good bunch, keen as mustard, well read, very thoughtful and keen to listen to others. Looking back, I’m not convinced that my own intake group was as strong, but hey ho. I think that the selection process has improved and so before we waste the trainees and our own time and money, more weeding is done.
The training has been great fun and, as I’ve always found in the past, one learns as much as one teaches in these situations. Candidates come up with readings, music and experiences that are new to me, as well as turns of phrase or outlooks that are refreshing.
And, of course, they send me their sample funerals to mark, so I can nick all of these lovely phrases and poems, adding to my own collections (never let it be said that I’m entirely altruistic!).
In a way, the training is a frustrating exercise – how much can we actually teach these good people? Can anyone really learn to be a funeral celebrant?
We can help with logistics and technical stuff (“this is how Wesley works”, “most FDs like to do…”) and we can share our experience. But ultimately, it is our individuality that makes us good at what we do and that cannot be trained.
And what of the non-technical side of things (“you may not want to take your holidays in February”)?
As with all things, it’s a function of getting the balance right. We are trying to develop a professional network with high standards (a rubbish humanist celebrant makes us all look bad), but how do we maintain those standards without producing “standard” funerals? And the day we start doing that, is the day I leave the network.
A good funeral is the one that the family wants; all we can do is try our hardest to give our trainees the tools, resources, guidance and mentoring to do that. And, of course, the support they need when they’re up and running.
It’s been fun and I look forward to doing more of it.
If there is evidence to the contrary, this is because local celebrants resist someone new on their patch (but that is a post for another day).
As I’m now nearly at 200 ceremonies under my belt and I inevitably end up training, no matter what job I do, I thought I would become a trainer for the BHA.
I had to apply and go through a selection process (which was more nerve-wracking than I think that it needed to be, but a useful exercise) and I have now completed the first training sessions for the latest group.
They’re a good bunch, keen as mustard, well read, very thoughtful and keen to listen to others. Looking back, I’m not convinced that my own intake group was as strong, but hey ho. I think that the selection process has improved and so before we waste the trainees and our own time and money, more weeding is done.
The training has been great fun and, as I’ve always found in the past, one learns as much as one teaches in these situations. Candidates come up with readings, music and experiences that are new to me, as well as turns of phrase or outlooks that are refreshing.
And, of course, they send me their sample funerals to mark, so I can nick all of these lovely phrases and poems, adding to my own collections (never let it be said that I’m entirely altruistic!).
In a way, the training is a frustrating exercise – how much can we actually teach these good people? Can anyone really learn to be a funeral celebrant?
We can help with logistics and technical stuff (“this is how Wesley works”, “most FDs like to do…”) and we can share our experience. But ultimately, it is our individuality that makes us good at what we do and that cannot be trained.
And what of the non-technical side of things (“you may not want to take your holidays in February”)?
As with all things, it’s a function of getting the balance right. We are trying to develop a professional network with high standards (a rubbish humanist celebrant makes us all look bad), but how do we maintain those standards without producing “standard” funerals? And the day we start doing that, is the day I leave the network.
A good funeral is the one that the family wants; all we can do is try our hardest to give our trainees the tools, resources, guidance and mentoring to do that. And, of course, the support they need when they’re up and running.
It’s been fun and I look forward to doing more of it.
Sunday, 30 March 2008
A flurry of activity - Day 2
Day 2 in the residential course house.
X Piry is not feeling so good............
By the afternoon I was feeling a bit hyper, and found it difficult to concentrate.
To use a term common in theatrical parlance, but not necessarily appropriate in funerals; I corpsed.
Our ceremony was for a young woman with small children. One of my colleagues was role playing as a small child. Now, I genuinely believe that a small child saying "I want to go to the toilet" would not throw me. However, to have a mature and elegant woman say it was just too much, and I got the giggles.
However, this was only part one of my inadequacies.
I'd been in charge of the script that four of us were working on, and I'd put some of the pages into the folder in the wrong order. That was a classic schoolboy error, and I felt genuinely ashamed about it. My colleague coped with it brilliantly, and the congregation would never have known, but I still felt absolutely awful.
Add fatigue to this and I was a very grumpy bunny by the time I was coming home.
In conclusion, however, I shouldn't dwell on the negative; we got some very good feedback, and are all moving forward to the next stage. My overall feeling is that it went well, so that's what I should carry with me.
(Famous last words).
X Piry is not feeling so good............
By the afternoon I was feeling a bit hyper, and found it difficult to concentrate.
To use a term common in theatrical parlance, but not necessarily appropriate in funerals; I corpsed.
Our ceremony was for a young woman with small children. One of my colleagues was role playing as a small child. Now, I genuinely believe that a small child saying "I want to go to the toilet" would not throw me. However, to have a mature and elegant woman say it was just too much, and I got the giggles.
However, this was only part one of my inadequacies.
I'd been in charge of the script that four of us were working on, and I'd put some of the pages into the folder in the wrong order. That was a classic schoolboy error, and I felt genuinely ashamed about it. My colleague coped with it brilliantly, and the congregation would never have known, but I still felt absolutely awful.
Add fatigue to this and I was a very grumpy bunny by the time I was coming home.
In conclusion, however, I shouldn't dwell on the negative; we got some very good feedback, and are all moving forward to the next stage. My overall feeling is that it went well, so that's what I should carry with me.
(Famous last words).
Saturday, 19 January 2008
My first gatecrash
I went to the first funeral with my mentor yesterday.
It was a good service - I was very impressed with my mentor's range of quotes and sayings. She's posh anyway, but has clearly benefited from a classical education.
The service went well, I had one moment when I thought I might get a bit choked up (my biggest fear with all of this), but that was watching a brief exchange between a man who'd just delivered a eulogy, and his wife - as an officiant, I would be preparing for the next part, and not notice this.
On a personal level, I felt incredibly self-conscious. As I was all in black, I hoped that I would be mistaken for an employee of the Funeral Director, but it was uncomfortable, feeling that I had no right to be there.
It was a civilised service - there was some weeping, but everyone there seemed to be respecting the dignity of the service.
As for me? I've got a lot of research to do. Google, here I come.
It was a good service - I was very impressed with my mentor's range of quotes and sayings. She's posh anyway, but has clearly benefited from a classical education.
The service went well, I had one moment when I thought I might get a bit choked up (my biggest fear with all of this), but that was watching a brief exchange between a man who'd just delivered a eulogy, and his wife - as an officiant, I would be preparing for the next part, and not notice this.
On a personal level, I felt incredibly self-conscious. As I was all in black, I hoped that I would be mistaken for an employee of the Funeral Director, but it was uncomfortable, feeling that I had no right to be there.
It was a civilised service - there was some weeping, but everyone there seemed to be respecting the dignity of the service.
As for me? I've got a lot of research to do. Google, here I come.
Sunday, 13 January 2008
First Session - Knackered
Well,
My induction/assessment day was yesterday, and it was great.
I came away feeling really motivated and inspired. It was a generally lovely group of people - we had a VERY high proportion of lapsed catholics, and one chap who I thought was likely to get on my nerves (a bit too far up his own behind, if you ask me), but mostly pleasant, intelligent articulate people.
It was interesting that we all had something in common (our humanist belief) while still being very different. This came to light when we discussed "what would happen if you were putting together a ceremony, and someone was adamant that they wanted the lord's prayer?" We had a range of answers, from "okay, but someone else will have to lead that bit" to "no, this is a non-religious ceremony" (the latter having a very strong hint of "sod off" about it).
We've got homework to do. I've never been big on poetry (more of a chick lit girl myself), but I must study, investigate, and progress, as well as get back in touch with my mentor to attend some services and family visits.
Right now, though, I want to sleep!
My induction/assessment day was yesterday, and it was great.
I came away feeling really motivated and inspired. It was a generally lovely group of people - we had a VERY high proportion of lapsed catholics, and one chap who I thought was likely to get on my nerves (a bit too far up his own behind, if you ask me), but mostly pleasant, intelligent articulate people.
It was interesting that we all had something in common (our humanist belief) while still being very different. This came to light when we discussed "what would happen if you were putting together a ceremony, and someone was adamant that they wanted the lord's prayer?" We had a range of answers, from "okay, but someone else will have to lead that bit" to "no, this is a non-religious ceremony" (the latter having a very strong hint of "sod off" about it).
We've got homework to do. I've never been big on poetry (more of a chick lit girl myself), but I must study, investigate, and progress, as well as get back in touch with my mentor to attend some services and family visits.
Right now, though, I want to sleep!
Saturday, 5 January 2008
Intro
Hi,
I'm X.Piry - a trainee funeral officiant.
After a brief mid-life crisis (my mother died, then I hit 40, then a good friend's husband died) during which I pondered the futility of the heady world of business finance (my occupation of choice for the last 15 years) I woke up with the feeling that I would like to become a funeral officiant, conducting non-religious ceremonies.
I've never believed in God, but I do try to believe in people.
So, here we are - I attend my first course next Saturday. I have a mentor, who is lovely, but possibly the poshest lady in the world, and I'm trying to work out when I tell my boss that I'm giving up the dynamic world of finance, for the world of the dead. After I get my bonus for 2007 is the most obvious answer, but once that's sorted, there's some negotiating to be doing!
Wish me luck - it's all a bit scary.
I'm X.Piry - a trainee funeral officiant.
After a brief mid-life crisis (my mother died, then I hit 40, then a good friend's husband died) during which I pondered the futility of the heady world of business finance (my occupation of choice for the last 15 years) I woke up with the feeling that I would like to become a funeral officiant, conducting non-religious ceremonies.
I've never believed in God, but I do try to believe in people.
So, here we are - I attend my first course next Saturday. I have a mentor, who is lovely, but possibly the poshest lady in the world, and I'm trying to work out when I tell my boss that I'm giving up the dynamic world of finance, for the world of the dead. After I get my bonus for 2007 is the most obvious answer, but once that's sorted, there's some negotiating to be doing!
Wish me luck - it's all a bit scary.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)