Get off my land!

If this were an ideal world, Charles, Gloria, Jonathan, Rupert and others would all live in the same town as me. We would meet for coffee every couple of weeks, in a cafe that sold calorie-free cake.

We would all have as much work as we wanted.

And for those of us who are celebrants/ministers/officiants/gobs on sticks, we would know that the following happened – when a funeral director meets a family, they would spend a lot of time, asking the family what they wanted, and letting know all of the options available (including the things that they don’t “have” to have). If the family has said that they want an officiant, the FD would then go away and think long and hard to get the best match from their extensive list of ministers. They would think about the family that they have met and the personality of their ministers and would put together those that will work well together and will produce the best possible funeral; a triumph, a memorable occasion which enables the family to move on with their grief in the best way possible to them.

I don’t live in an ideal world. I live in a place that we shall call Seatown. I am also about fifteen miles from Coastville, and about twenty-five miles from Poshbourne. We have an established celebrant in the latter, but I’m sometimes called upon for holiday cover.

My esteemed mentor (She who must be obeyed) used to live in Coastville, but has moved to pastures new in another part of the country. I miss her guidance and her humour but it is honest to say that I am very grateful for her workload.

And this is because FDs are busy people, who do not go through their list of celebrants like a casting director, and think about who best will match their family. My experience suggests that the thought process is more along the lines of:

What sort of minister?
Non-religious.
Is that the same as humanist?
Close enough.
Who did we use last time?
X.Piry.
She any good?
No complaints.
Okay. What’s her number?


And that’s on a good day.

Now, I am probably doing many FDs a lot of disservice. But I think there’s a lot in the “who did we use last time” argument. Unless there’s a reason to use someone different (such as a specific request, or wanting a man, rather than a woman, etc) then it’s sound. It’s a bit like when you have a complaint with the gas board, and you know that someone called Angela was helpful. You will go back to Angela, because she did what you wanted her to do and kept you informed, and listened to you....

Now, the BHA would be happy to train a lot of celebrants who live in Seatown, Coastville, Poshbourne and anywhere else that good candidates apply. There is some evidence to back up the argument that having more celebrants on the ground does increase ceremony numbers.

Fine – but does it increase it enough? Conducting ceremonies (not just funerals) is my main source of income. Therefore, I have an average number per week/month/year that I would like to conduct to pay the bills and feed my chocolate habit.

If someone new trained in Poshbourne, then I would not get any holiday cover work there.
The other problem that I have is that currently, in Seatown, I cannot seem to get any work. To my knowledge, I have neither messed up or upset anyone, but there is a strong presence from the civil celebrants and a very good independent celebrant who is well known in the town. There are one or two FDs who have me at the top of their “godless” list, but this is not a very godless place, so between the competition and the retired vicars, I would be letting Cadbury go out of business, if I was only reliant on Seatown.

Coastville, however, treats me well. It keeps me busy and I am grateful. So how would I feel if someone from Coastville wanted to train there?

Panicky would be an obvious reaction (please don’t make me go back to office work, anything, but that, guv). After all, although I feel fairly established in Coastville, I work hard to produce good ceremonies, and to make myself easy to work with for the FDs, would someone on the doorstep be a more attractive proposition for them?

The BHA might feel that I have Seatown to work with, but I refer you to my comments above.So, if the BHA trained up someone on the way to Poshbourne and someone in Coastville, I would by right up effluent creek and lacking a method of propulsion.

And this is why local celebrants resist the training of new celebrants. It feels like a constant matter of tension. But what are the options?

If we don’t train a good candidate – what will they do? They may wait (I did), but for how long? Alternatively, unless they are dyed in the wool humanists (a rare breed) then they can simply train with another organisation or simply start out on their own. Thus, they become the competition.

If we do train a good candidate – what will I do? Have a huff moment and give up my BHA accreditation? And then what – be an independent celebrant with a lot of experience (and relationships with FDs), but the new BHA celebrant will still be there and will be my competition. There are pros and cons to being a BHA celebrant, and there are pros and cons to being independent, so neither has an absolute advantage.

So what do we do? Most people want to become celebrants because they have been to an inspiring ceremony. Good celebrants make a ceremony look easy. The recruitment process should be tough and hard to get through (I believe that it is, we are very careful who we train), but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t thousands of people out there who would make good celebrants.

If we recruit them all, we would have a huge network of quality people. And we would have some who would have to leave because they can no longer get enough work to sustain their lifestyles (I know of at least one colleague in the last year who has done this, in an area with a lot of independent competition).

No celebrants are in this for the money, but for those of us who have chosen (and yes, it is our choice, I accept that) to make this an almost full time career, then we need to have regular numbers of ceremonies.

There are some celebrants who don’t want to do a huge volume of funerals. I met a chap a couple of years ago who told me that he didn’t have the “emotional hardware” for more than one a fortnight. That’s fair enough and people like him are great for cover, etc. It’s also one of those professions where you don’t actually know what you’ll be able to cope with until you’re doing it and can see what it’s doing to you.

There is room in the network for celebrants with all sorts of workload requirements. The difficulty is getting the balance right.

I’ve really rambled on enough for now, and so I’d like to throw this open to anyone who’d like to share an opinion.

What do you guys think?

Training with the shoe on the other foot

Contrary to popular belief, the BHA regularly takes on new funeral celebrants.

If there is evidence to the contrary, this is because local celebrants resist someone new on their patch (but that is a post for another day).

As I’m now nearly at 200 ceremonies under my belt and I inevitably end up training, no matter what job I do, I thought I would become a trainer for the BHA.

I had to apply and go through a selection process (which was more nerve-wracking than I think that it needed to be, but a useful exercise) and I have now completed the first training sessions for the latest group.

They’re a good bunch, keen as mustard, well read, very thoughtful and keen to listen to others. Looking back, I’m not convinced that my own intake group was as strong, but hey ho. I think that the selection process has improved and so before we waste the trainees and our own time and money, more weeding is done.

The training has been great fun and, as I’ve always found in the past, one learns as much as one teaches in these situations. Candidates come up with readings, music and experiences that are new to me, as well as turns of phrase or outlooks that are refreshing.

And, of course, they send me their sample funerals to mark, so I can nick all of these lovely phrases and poems, adding to my own collections (never let it be said that I’m entirely altruistic!).

In a way, the training is a frustrating exercise – how much can we actually teach these good people? Can anyone really learn to be a funeral celebrant?

We can help with logistics and technical stuff (“this is how Wesley works”, “most FDs like to do…”) and we can share our experience. But ultimately, it is our individuality that makes us good at what we do and that cannot be trained.

And what of the non-technical side of things (“you may not want to take your holidays in February”)?

As with all things, it’s a function of getting the balance right. We are trying to develop a professional network with high standards (a rubbish humanist celebrant makes us all look bad), but how do we maintain those standards without producing “standard” funerals? And the day we start doing that, is the day I leave the network.

A good funeral is the one that the family wants; all we can do is try our hardest to give our trainees the tools, resources, guidance and mentoring to do that. And, of course, the support they need when they’re up and running.

It’s been fun and I look forward to doing more of it.

What a week! Tragic cases and sod's law on timing.

I'm still working part time in my previous occupation. My boss has been brilliant, and as long as I don't miss any deadlines (no pun intended), and keep a tab on my hours, I can work when I want.

This has made a huge difference - it's been what's enabled me to pursue my new career. When needed, therefore, I like to help out, and repay the flexibility that my boss has shown.

The company I work for has recently bought a competitor and so we need to start integrating computer systems etc. I am considered a bit of a "guru" on our system, so was the natural choice to go and train our new colleagues. We're in the same town, so no biggie on travelling. As, for the last few weeks there had been no work at all, I offered to go full time, as we were looking to integrate systems at the end of September (or Tuesday, as it's better known). I put three criteria on my offer to work:

1. I would like to take the hours in time, rather than money (this was popular with the boss, for obvious budgetary reasons).
2. I could keep my mobile on silent (in the vain hope that a desperate FD would call and offer me some work
3. I would undertake any ceremonies which came up.

I've had four gigs this week!

It's fair to say that I am absolutely knackered! Training is tiring for both the giver and receiver, so I was expecting to feel a bit sleepy by this weekend, but, man alive, talk about Sod's law on the timing!

The ceremonies were pretty varied too!

Last weekend:

I cried at a family visit - I apologised - it's unprofessional, but this was a particularly difficult ceremony. I was always dreading my first baby funeral. I never dreamt that my first ceremony for a stillborn would be a double ceremony - for both the baby and his Mum. It was just an absolute choker. Nice people - good people, the sort who care for others, and this happens to them. But they were lovely and gave me lots of great stories about the deceased.

I'd done another visit on Friday evening, so all weekend (apart from a couple of hours out) I was sitting here at the computer writing scripts and tributes.

Monday - training all day

Tuesday - in theory a day's holiday, but I went into the new company for an hour's training before heading off to my local crem for a ceremony at 11:45. This was ceremony for an elderly gentleman who'd had a good life and again, there were great stories to tell. It was well received and I've had a lovely thank you note since.

Then I had to leg it to the crem at a nearby town (about 15 miles away) for a 1:45 double slot for a 39 year old man. This was a big ceremony (not everybody could get into the chapel) and there had been lots of fingers in pies with regard to the tribute (which is why I only send the tribute out, not the whole ceremony, or I'd have to edit it five minutes before, when the family arrives, and deliver it from a laptop!). I'd had several conversations with the FD as the family kept changing their minds what they wanted to do (follow the coffin or be in first, etc) but it all went smoothly in the end. Again, folks have been kind enough to send thank you emails, which is very gratifying, as it helps to reassure me that I'm doing it right. After the ceremony I went to my usual office to pick up some prints etc, to take them back to new co the next day - some day's holiday.

Wednesday was the double ceremony - and a real test of character. My voice cracked a couple of times, but I managed not to break down (it was touch and go) and so the ceremony was delivered. I don't feel that it was my best performance (although not for the want of trying) but the family seemed pleased as did the Funeral Director. I realise I sound like a hard bitch on this one, but this was a funeral director I've been trying to get work with for a while, so I was glad of the opportunity, but not the situation. The FD was really kind and offered me the chance to say that I couldn't do this gig once I'd heard the circumstances, but I really felt that I couldn't reject them at this worst possible of times. If that sounds pompous or too full of myself, then I'm sorry, but I genuinely didn't want to turn these folks away.

And then in the afternoon, I had to go and train people! I was standing there saying "press this button" etc, thinking "but what does it matter? It's only a computer. It's only a finance company, it's not THAT important".

Thursday was my final ceremony for the week, and elderly gentleman who'd been poorly and had Alzheimer's. Still very sad for his family, of course, but less tragic, so a much calmer ceremony. Usually, if someone is reading, I offer to take over, or to read it for them if they feel that the emotion will render them incapable. I could only partially do that this time, as the man's grandson read a poem in French! I could probably have read it (I know what the words should sound like), but I would have got all of the inflections wrong, I'm sure. I had an English translation too, just in case.

Then it was back to work again for more training.

So that was all of my gigs for the week, and then I did a full day's work on Friday. Of course, when I've got home this week I've either been doing work for the ceremonies, or work for the training, so I've ended up sitting at the computer til nearly midnight, just trying to make sure that everything is covered!

It's now been decided that the transfer will happen at the end of October instead - panic over! Sod's law will say that I won't get any more ceremonies for three weeks!

It's proved to me a couple of things:

1. I should learn to say no- I can't be in two places at once.
2. I really love the funerals job, no matter how tragic the circumstances, (at the moment it's hard to think of something worse than Wednesday's ceremony, but I'm sure there will be). It's the most rewarding, satisfying thing that I've ever done. Even if people drive me mad (I now feel as though I'm on call, 24/7), it's still the best job that I could do. It would be great if I could give up the other nonsense!

Intro

Hi,

I'm X.Piry - a trainee funeral officiant.

After a brief mid-life crisis (my mother died, then I hit 40, then a good friend's husband died) during which I pondered the futility of the heady world of business finance (my occupation of choice for the last 15 years) I woke up with the feeling that I would like to become a funeral officiant, conducting non-religious ceremonies.

I've never believed in God, but I do try to believe in people.

So, here we are - I attend my first course next Saturday. I have a mentor, who is lovely, but possibly the poshest lady in the world, and I'm trying to work out when I tell my boss that I'm giving up the dynamic world of finance, for the world of the dead. After I get my bonus for 2007 is the most obvious answer, but once that's sorted, there's some negotiating to be doing!

Wish me luck - it's all a bit scary.