.... and largely unsatisfactory, but then things change...
I did ceremony number 9 today, and for this one I hadn't been able to do a family visit, as the family are all over the country.
I got very little information about the deceased; I felt I hadn't got a handle on her at all, so this ceremony lasted about 15 minutes.
I know, I know, but honestly, I put in 2 poems (at least three verses each) and 4 readings, what else could I do that wasn't just padding?
So this felt very unsatisfactory.
Then I thought I'd go out selling myself again. I went to a small town nearby, but couldn't find the Funeral Directors. Never mind, I thought, I'll do that another time - there were a couple of village FDs I was looking for, so despite the fact that the weather was disgusting, I thought I'd keep on.
I couldn't find the second one, either. This village has only got one street, but I'll be buggered if I could find the place. That's the problem with house names instead of numbers, I guess.
When I got to the next village I wanted, I realised that I had my mobile and a list of phone numbers with me. I could have rung them!!!!!
Never mind, I found the third and left my leaflets with a very nice lady.
On my way back home (feeling mightily jaded by this time), it occurred to me that there's another small town about 6 miles from where I live that I hadn't been a-touting in, so I stopped off.
I had a long conversation with another very nice lady, who doesn't arrange funerals herself, but was interested in what I do, and agreed to hand out my leaflets if appropriate.
I then went to the other FD in the town, and realising that they were part of the co-op, I could reassure him that I had done work for one of the other local offices, so he seemed almost receptive.
Then when I got home, there was a message on the answerphone - I've got my first live one.
There is a lady at the local hospice who has been given a few weeks to live, and wants a humanist ceremony. I'm currently waiting for a call back from her husband, who wants reassuring that there will be no tree-hugging or talking to fairies, and I will go and meet the lady and her husband (probably at the hospice) to discuss their funeral.
It's my first "living funeral", and my biggest fear is that memories of my Mum will come crashing in, and I'll fall apart - I'm crying now as I write this.
But I've come to a conclusion - crying while typing is fine. As long as I don't dissolve either at the family visit or during the ceremony - that would be "a bad thing".
More details to follow, when there are some to tell.
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
Monday, 9 June 2008
Knackered, and thanks
Well,
I've got through what felt like a mammouth week. I think they all went well - I've had a couple of emails of thanks, so looking good.
In conclusion.
Tuesday - much winking.
Wednesday - nearly converted a Jewish man to humanism. Seriously, it all went really well - for the first time I felt absolutely in control, and able to do the job.
Thursday - didn't sing the hymn, and not many people seemed to know where the burial ground was - but that was one of my emails of thanks, so it must have been okay.
Friday - simple, understated - I think it was a success.
Actually, Friday's had the best moment of the week. After the committal, I usually say a few words to remind people that they don't have to forget their loved one, and when I said "use the phrases that he would use", the two sons of the deceased caught each others' eye and started laughing. I would love to know what phrase was going through their minds, as one of their cousins started to smile as well. I will never know the answer, but it was a lovely moment, and one of those that makes it a bit special.
I've nothing booked now, and have had to turn a couple down, 'cos I'm off on my hols soon, but I hope to be up and running again next month.
I've got through what felt like a mammouth week. I think they all went well - I've had a couple of emails of thanks, so looking good.
In conclusion.
Tuesday - much winking.
Wednesday - nearly converted a Jewish man to humanism. Seriously, it all went really well - for the first time I felt absolutely in control, and able to do the job.
Thursday - didn't sing the hymn, and not many people seemed to know where the burial ground was - but that was one of my emails of thanks, so it must have been okay.
Friday - simple, understated - I think it was a success.
Actually, Friday's had the best moment of the week. After the committal, I usually say a few words to remind people that they don't have to forget their loved one, and when I said "use the phrases that he would use", the two sons of the deceased caught each others' eye and started laughing. I would love to know what phrase was going through their minds, as one of their cousins started to smile as well. I will never know the answer, but it was a lovely moment, and one of those that makes it a bit special.
I've nothing booked now, and have had to turn a couple down, 'cos I'm off on my hols soon, but I hope to be up and running again next month.
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
A good one and winking.
Today was a good ceremony.
How do you judge these things? By the comments you get afterwards? By the number of people who come to shake your hand? By your own gut feel? The comments from the funeral director? Whatever it was, today went well.
The main person I have to thank for that is the wife of the deceased. She had written a piece from her late husband's point of view, which, I'll be honest, I was worried about. Because I'd never met the man, I didn't know if I would give it the right voice, but, bless her, it worked. Folks were laughing through their tears, and it set the right tone for the whole ceremony.
On the way out, she thanked me, and praised the ceremony, as did the deceased's mother (he was a young man, sadly), and various assorted relatives. I got a kiss from the wife's Mum.
There was a man of the cloth in the crowd. That phased me a little to start with, but in the end I just had to do my best. I know that I tripped over a few words and said a poem wrong (didn't carry over a line properly), and I was conscious of his presence then, but the rest of the time, I just made sure I didn't cry, and tried to do a good job.
On the way out, he hesitated before coming to shake my hand. I hope I didn't smile too much at his reticence.
On a completely different tack, I've noticed that I do a lot of winking. I'm sure I winked about four times during today's ceremony, as I spoke to/about different members of the family. It's a bad habit, and I must break it.
Feeling good - and happy about tomorrow's ceremony too - nice people, I hope it will go well. Just got to get Thursday behind me, and deal with control freak woman on Friday (more to follow), and it will have been a successful week.
How do you judge these things? By the comments you get afterwards? By the number of people who come to shake your hand? By your own gut feel? The comments from the funeral director? Whatever it was, today went well.
The main person I have to thank for that is the wife of the deceased. She had written a piece from her late husband's point of view, which, I'll be honest, I was worried about. Because I'd never met the man, I didn't know if I would give it the right voice, but, bless her, it worked. Folks were laughing through their tears, and it set the right tone for the whole ceremony.
On the way out, she thanked me, and praised the ceremony, as did the deceased's mother (he was a young man, sadly), and various assorted relatives. I got a kiss from the wife's Mum.
There was a man of the cloth in the crowd. That phased me a little to start with, but in the end I just had to do my best. I know that I tripped over a few words and said a poem wrong (didn't carry over a line properly), and I was conscious of his presence then, but the rest of the time, I just made sure I didn't cry, and tried to do a good job.
On the way out, he hesitated before coming to shake my hand. I hope I didn't smile too much at his reticence.
On a completely different tack, I've noticed that I do a lot of winking. I'm sure I winked about four times during today's ceremony, as I spoke to/about different members of the family. It's a bad habit, and I must break it.
Feeling good - and happy about tomorrow's ceremony too - nice people, I hope it will go well. Just got to get Thursday behind me, and deal with control freak woman on Friday (more to follow), and it will have been a successful week.
Sunday, 1 June 2008
How Rude!
I know that people are sad and at their most vulnerable, but I'll be honest, I'm getting mightily pee'd off with one of my deceased's family members.
I try to be flexible (I've allowed a hymn, for f's sake), but now I'm being told to re-order my service.
And I do mean told.
The email that came back was a definite "I want....." I was tempted to go back with a favourite phrase of my grandmother's - I want doesn't get - but felt that it may not be appropriate!
To be honest, the re-order isn't a problem, I just didn't like the attitude. Again, I repeat, I know that people are not themselves, which is why I don't react, but I am human too, and wouldn't mind just a bit more respect for the job I'm trying to do here.
Still, stop moaning, after the ceremony, I need never see that person again (I've a feeling that he wouldn't recommend me, as I don't think he likes my style).
I try to be flexible (I've allowed a hymn, for f's sake), but now I'm being told to re-order my service.
And I do mean told.
The email that came back was a definite "I want....." I was tempted to go back with a favourite phrase of my grandmother's - I want doesn't get - but felt that it may not be appropriate!
To be honest, the re-order isn't a problem, I just didn't like the attitude. Again, I repeat, I know that people are not themselves, which is why I don't react, but I am human too, and wouldn't mind just a bit more respect for the job I'm trying to do here.
Still, stop moaning, after the ceremony, I need never see that person again (I've a feeling that he wouldn't recommend me, as I don't think he likes my style).
Thursday, 29 May 2008
Compromising myself
Bollocks!
That was the main word going through my head as I drove back from a family visit earlier this week.
I have compromised myself, because I have allowed a hymn to be included in one of my ceremonies. Okay, so the world isn't going to end, but I didn't even put up a fight.
To be honest, I was in a state of shock when I agreed to it, as I'd just found out that the deceased, a little old lady, hadn't died of "old age" or "natural causes" but had decided to take her own life.
For a moment, everything seemed to unimportant, I think I would have agreed to a sermon by the Archbishop of Canterbury!
I'm glad that I hadn't known about the cause of death when I went to the visit, or I would have been a nervous wreck by the time I got there, but I did feel a bit pole-axed when the family told me.
The sad thing is, if it had been the funeral of a 17 year old lad, suicide would have been more tragic, but less surprising. What does that say about our society, I wonder?
However, I have made the decision (well, the mistake) and the hymn will be sung, so all I can do is distance myself from it, explain that it wouldn't normally be included in a humanist ceremony, let them sing to their heart's content and learn from the experience.
I know I shouldn't beat myself up, it was only my fourth family visit, for goodness' sake, but beating myself up is a speciality (and not in a good way....)
That was the main word going through my head as I drove back from a family visit earlier this week.
I have compromised myself, because I have allowed a hymn to be included in one of my ceremonies. Okay, so the world isn't going to end, but I didn't even put up a fight.
To be honest, I was in a state of shock when I agreed to it, as I'd just found out that the deceased, a little old lady, hadn't died of "old age" or "natural causes" but had decided to take her own life.
For a moment, everything seemed to unimportant, I think I would have agreed to a sermon by the Archbishop of Canterbury!
I'm glad that I hadn't known about the cause of death when I went to the visit, or I would have been a nervous wreck by the time I got there, but I did feel a bit pole-axed when the family told me.
The sad thing is, if it had been the funeral of a 17 year old lad, suicide would have been more tragic, but less surprising. What does that say about our society, I wonder?
However, I have made the decision (well, the mistake) and the hymn will be sung, so all I can do is distance myself from it, explain that it wouldn't normally be included in a humanist ceremony, let them sing to their heart's content and learn from the experience.
I know I shouldn't beat myself up, it was only my fourth family visit, for goodness' sake, but beating myself up is a speciality (and not in a good way....)
Monday, 26 May 2008
Speaking too quickly
Well, my first two ceremonies are done.
I speaktooquickly.
I think that I was still clear, and that my diction was fine etc, but the first ceremony ended much sooner than I expected.
To be honest, it was a blur afterwards, I only know what I said because it was all written down.
The second one went better. Someone I know was the Funeral Director, and so on the way in he asked for everyone to stand (I forgot!)
X.Piry's top tip du jour:
When you're working at a crematorium for the first time, don't wait until half way through the ceremony before you think "where the **** is the button for the curtains?". This will cause you to run your hands around the lecturn while you're speaking, and generally look suspicious.
I managed to spot said button when I took a step back for the moment's silence.
That was a close one!
However, only my mate the funeral director seemed to have spotted it (I hope!) and the family were pleased with what I'd done, so job's a good 'un.
I speaktooquickly.
I think that I was still clear, and that my diction was fine etc, but the first ceremony ended much sooner than I expected.
To be honest, it was a blur afterwards, I only know what I said because it was all written down.
The second one went better. Someone I know was the Funeral Director, and so on the way in he asked for everyone to stand (I forgot!)
X.Piry's top tip du jour:
When you're working at a crematorium for the first time, don't wait until half way through the ceremony before you think "where the **** is the button for the curtains?". This will cause you to run your hands around the lecturn while you're speaking, and generally look suspicious.
I managed to spot said button when I took a step back for the moment's silence.
That was a close one!
However, only my mate the funeral director seemed to have spotted it (I hope!) and the family were pleased with what I'd done, so job's a good 'un.
Sunday, 18 May 2008
First family visits
Well, it's 9 o'clock on a sunday morning, and I've been writing since 7:30, doing the two tributes from my family visits on Friday.
Yes, count 'em, two.
Interesting family dynamics, as I suspected, at the first one. I'd been told some of the negative stuff about the deceased during a phone call with her daughter. None of this came out at the meeting, so I was happy to ignore the bad stuff.
Then, yesterday morning (just as I was about to go out - note to self- use answerphone more) the same daughter rang to tell me tales of depression, marital conflict, family dysfunction and the like. Oh joy, so not only was I late meeting my friend, but I had to listen to someone complaining about her nearest and dearest! I've got family of my own if I want to hear whinging! I've also been left with the problem of what do I put in my script. The tribute should be accurate, but I don't think it hurts to have a few euphemisms. A carefully worded "they went through the ups and downs that all marriages experience" should hopefully be recognisable to all who knew her, without telling the world that they rowed a lot.
My second visit was to a lady who is one of life's philosophers. She's obviously well read and had very kindly written out a precis of her mother's life for me, so I had a lot of material to use for the tribute. I'm convinced that I once worked with the deceased, during a not particularly glittering point in my career (the non-glittering was entirely my own doing, nothing to do with the deceased or her colleagues). I feel happier about this tribute, but conscious that I've only met one of the descendants, and must be careful to include the other.
Between family visits, I popped in to visit the FD I'd previously met (nice lady), and another that I hadn't had dealings with. Timing was on my side, as the funeral arranger had just met a family who wanted a humanist officiant. What a result! So I've got another family visit Tuesday evening.
Bring them on.
Yes, count 'em, two.
Interesting family dynamics, as I suspected, at the first one. I'd been told some of the negative stuff about the deceased during a phone call with her daughter. None of this came out at the meeting, so I was happy to ignore the bad stuff.
Then, yesterday morning (just as I was about to go out - note to self- use answerphone more) the same daughter rang to tell me tales of depression, marital conflict, family dysfunction and the like. Oh joy, so not only was I late meeting my friend, but I had to listen to someone complaining about her nearest and dearest! I've got family of my own if I want to hear whinging! I've also been left with the problem of what do I put in my script. The tribute should be accurate, but I don't think it hurts to have a few euphemisms. A carefully worded "they went through the ups and downs that all marriages experience" should hopefully be recognisable to all who knew her, without telling the world that they rowed a lot.
My second visit was to a lady who is one of life's philosophers. She's obviously well read and had very kindly written out a precis of her mother's life for me, so I had a lot of material to use for the tribute. I'm convinced that I once worked with the deceased, during a not particularly glittering point in my career (the non-glittering was entirely my own doing, nothing to do with the deceased or her colleagues). I feel happier about this tribute, but conscious that I've only met one of the descendants, and must be careful to include the other.
Between family visits, I popped in to visit the FD I'd previously met (nice lady), and another that I hadn't had dealings with. Timing was on my side, as the funeral arranger had just met a family who wanted a humanist officiant. What a result! So I've got another family visit Tuesday evening.
Bring them on.
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