Update, and one of the reasons why I never go to the wake.

Well, I’m sorry if anyone’s breath was bated, but I’ve not updated on the saga of Margaret!

It got far worse before it got better.

As always, when there are problems between people, it’s usually due to poor communication and that’s exactly what happened. I thought that Jemima had agreed some stuff with the rev, so I was talking to him about them and he started getting a bit upset, as though I was hi-jacking his funeral.

In the end I did my usual (apologised until I was prostrate, although that doesn’t work so well over the phone) and bowed down to his every request – it is his gig. I was getting very upset about it all, as I wanted to try and ease some of the agro for Jemima, but in the end I was just piggy in the middle and it got to the point where if I was relaying a message from the rev to Jemima and she was upset about it, I ended up having to say “then I’m really sorry, but I think that’s something you’ll have to discuss with him directly”. I felt dreadful.

My main learn from this (and I hope not to be in this situation again) is that I shouldn’t go and see the family until after they’ve seen the minister. He can then lay out the ground rules and I can work within them. The problem was we were saying a lot of “if he’s okay about it, we’ll do this” which only led to disappointment when he wasn’t okay about it.

However, once we actually got to the day, we were all fine. I hadn’t slept all week and was as nervous as I have ever been about speaking in public, but the church was packed (a good 200 – 250 people there, I reckon). I got up to deliver the eulogy and started crying with my first words, but once I’d said the first paragraph, my voice came back and I was able to get them all laughing and crying, just as we’d planned.

I am a very insecure person (many people with blogs are – unless we have something useful to impart to the world, we’re just spouting on screen to justify our existence) but I made the mistake of going to the wake afterwards. Now, even if I hadn’t been speaking at the funeral I would have gone to it, and gone to the “after”, but this reminded me why I never usually do.

Margaret had lived with a chap for over 10 years, but things had ended acrimoniously. When I saw her children, I asked if they wanted him mentioned. “No” was the definite answer from them both. So I didn’t.

Now, lots of people (I lost count, but easily 50 and probably nearer 100) came up to me at the wake and told me that I’d done a great job, that they had liked what I’d said, that they thought I’d captured Margaret well. However, the chap approached me, said “over 10 years I lived with her” and walked off. I was beside myself. I was crying, I put down my food (those who know me realise just how much a sign of upset that is!), I was ready to walk out there and then. Thankfully friends and folks I knew managed to rally me, but I was devastated for days afterwards.

It possibly didn’t help that I was drinking alcohol. I’m not a drinker as a rule, and haven’t touched the stuff for months. When you’re like that, it’s really not a good idea to down a vodka at 1pm, and then move onto cider. I stayed at the wake for another half an hour or so, but I really just wanted to be elsewhere, so I walked along the road, ringing my beloved to come and pick me up, while snivelling.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“No.”
“What’s up?” (He’d already spoken to me since the funeral, due to a confusing arrangement with cars and lifts, so he knew that the eulogy had gone all right)
“I’m very tired and emotional”.

I could just imagine the look of joy on his face as he contemplated coming to get me. Upset and drunk – what a delight!

So this is one of the reasons why I never go to the wake. I hope not to make a mistake, but if I do, apart from being more attentive to detail next time, what is to be gained? Although the more I thought about it, the less upset and more cross I got. After all, I had done what Margaret’s daughters had asked, and they were happy with what I’d said. Also, this guy had been involved in a legal wrangle over insurance money from the disease that eventually killed Margaret. I’ve got to live with the fact that I’ve upset him. He’s got to live with a bit more.

On the subject of mistakes,

I did the ceremony of a person who, in the words of their daughter had been a “fantastic, brilliant person....and a dreadful parent”. With that in mind, I arranged to send the eulogy part of the ceremony to said daughter, so that she could check factual details (I always like to check, where I can), but also to make sure that she was happy with the tone of what I had written.

On the day of the funeral, after the ceremony, the daughter thanked me, but told me that I’d made a mistake, as I’d got the name of her sister’s husband wrong. I felt awful, apologised profusely, apologised to the sister (who seemed the most upset about it) and apologised to the husband (who claimed not to have noticed).

This was on my mind as I drove back home (the crematorium is over an hour away). About half an hour into my journey, a thought occurred to me - the daughter had sent the eulogy back to me and, apart from a couple of minor edits (extra punctuation for delivery, that sort of thing), I cut and paste it from her email into the words!

It was one of those silly moments, where I felt like ringing her up and saying “hang on a minute, love, do you realise.....”

Obviously, I didn’t, and I know that I still made the mistake in the first place, but at least I stopped beating myself up about it.


I’ll try not to leave it so long between posts next time. Goodness – what does it say that I’m beginning to feel guilty about not justifying my existence so often?
On second thoughts, that is a rhetorical question.

A strange situation for the godless among us.

I used to work with a lady, whom we’ll call Margaret, who has recently died. Back when I started this game, she had already been unwell but, at that stage, was going through a good patch. She and I were discussing my change of path, and she said to me “well, the thing is, I believe in god”, which was fine with me.

A few months ago, she came along to the ceremony I conducted for another lady we used to work with (I think our office may have “sick building syndrome” – I’m certainly sick of going there), which Margaret thorough enjoyed, and apparently told everyone about.

Sadly, Margaret has now shuffled off this mortal coil, which is terribly sad; she’s only in her 50s. Her children (who we’ll call Jenny and Jemima) want me to do the service. So far so good, BUT, because of her religious faith, it’s happening in a local church.

That’s fine, I thought, I’ll just stand up in my usual “gob on a stick” fashion and delivery a eulogy. However, Jemima wants me to pretty much run the ceremony, with the vicar just adding a few prayers. I was okay with this, but didn't know if the vicar would be. Of course, he has concerns.

I have tried to reassure him that I’m not going to talk about anything but Margaret; that I’m not there to talk about humanism, or to be controversial, but he wants to make sure that any service in his church has the right tone, and delivers the Christian message. I completely understand his point of view, it’s the same reason that I don’t deliver prayers in my ceremonies.

That’s the latest so far – he’s yet to meet Jemima and Jenny, so I just gave them a quick call saying that I may not be able to run as much of it as they wanted. However, the things that they wanted to happen (songs to be played etc) can still be done with the Revd introducing them, rather than me. Jemima seemed a bit disappointed, but I’m hoping that once she and Jenny have spoken to the vicar, all will be well.

There was a slight comedy moment, which I rose above, while talking to the vicar. He was saying that he wanted to get across the Christian message “which is a powerful message, whatever your issues with it”. I didn’t bite. I don’t have issues with his faith; I simply don’t share it.

The Revd seems to be a perfectly nice and reasonable man, so I’m sure that it will all be sorted out to everyone’s satisfaction. On a purely personal level, I just hope I get through whatever I do without breaking down. It’s going to be a tough day.

Updates to follow when I have them.





On a completely separate note, I think I must have lived a very sheltered life.

I visited the family recently of a man who had died. I was talking to his wife about him and she said "He was a good husband - he never laid a finger on me." Is that really the only criterion?

Just chillin'

It's one o'clock in the morning, I've done two family visits this evening and I've written up both tributes. I'm a bit too awake to go to bed, but getting weary now.

The two visits were quite a contrast and every now and again it does me good to remind me of the variety of the human condition. Neither deaths was expected, but the first gentleman was in his 80s and had been ill for some time. He was expected to die soon, but not then. The visit was calm, gentle and straightforward. I hope that we give him a calm and dignified goodbye.

The second man was more than 20 years younger than the first and, to everyone's understanding, as fit as a robber's dog. But he collapsed and was dead before he hit the ground. I don't know the cause of death, and yes, I could have asked, but it would make no difference to the celebration of his life and I see no value in upsetting the family even more for the sake of my curiousity. That's a question I leave for the undertaker.

It wasn't until I started doing this job that I realised just how tangible emotions can be. I realise it sounds as though I'm talking nonsense, but I could feel the rawness of everyone's grief at the second meeting. We had very few tears, but I think that's as much to do with shock as anything else. I try to remain business-like, calm and professional (as well as gentle, kind and sympathetic) but I find myself unwilling to ask too many questions for fear of further adding to their anxiety.

There were quite a few family members in the room, which helped, as the "do you remember when..." stories bounced off each other well.

It was a relatively short meeting; I'd got enough information to put together what, I hope, is the best tribute to the deceased, and I didn't want to intrude on their grief any further.

Goodnight, sleep tight........

Maintaining radio silence - anniversary marked.

Oh dear - it's just occurred to me that after my terribly "down on my bad self" entry last time, I've kept silent since. Apologies - I haven't slipped into an abyss - I've just been a busy girl.

Not busy with funerals, alas. To quote an undertaker who was speaking to a colleague of mine; "It's dead out there". I'm covering a few holidays at the moment, so that's all okay, but frankly, if I wasn't, I wouldn't have worked for a month (or, at least, not at this job).

I know that there's a new independent in my local area, and that one of the local FDs is using him, but basically I just have to keep smiling, go and visit my directors when I can, be available when they call, and do a good job when I get a ceremony.

This week was the anniversary of my first ceremony. I was told to expect to do between 1 and 2 per month in my first year. I've done an average of 6 per month - great, but I'd like to do more. I'm looking for other ways of earning money apart from my detested day job, so I'm cracking on with other projects (a bit of training here and there, a few odd bits of writing).

It's not all gloom, however, I had a lovely ceremony last week. The son of the deceased is a professional musician and he not only spoke during the funeral, he also played one of his own compositions. It was a thing of beauty and wonder - it felt a privilege to be there.

A diary note from a dark day

I've just been going through an old notebook, and found this entry from a couple of months ago.

This is it, this is the moment that I was simultaneously dreading and expecting.

It had all been going too well - I was beginning to think that I was the dog's swingers at this funeral lark, but now I'm having my usual feelings of "I'm crap, I'm causing problems for everyone else, I'll never be employed again and its no more than I deserve".

The problem is a ceremony later this week. It could be huge, so we have concerns about timing. The arranger didn't book a double slot and we could have problems moving people in and out.

This is not my fault and, as many people want to speak, I shall say almost nothing, but the problem is that the situation has created a load of problems for the FD and I feel like I'm adding to them. Eg - the music. I thought 48 hours notice was enough for Wesley, but now it turns out that it might not be, due to the relative obscurity of the tracks.

Basically, my inexperience is coming through and I'm feeling out of control; both of which are making me feel low.

It's mad, it's not the end of the world, but I feel somehow diminised in the FDs eyes. This is an unpleasant feeling, mostly because I like and respect her very much, but also because I don't want this situation to jeopardise our working relationship and future work.

At the end of the day, I can only do my best (which thus far has been okay) and hope to redeem myself.

That was two months ago, and I have only just been asked by the same FD to do another ceremony. The arranger says that they haven't had any humanist ones for a while, which may well be the case.

The ceremony did over-run, but actually went pretty well. I spent the whole day thinking that the FD thought I was a numpty (maybe she does?) but the family were pleased and I got a nice thank you note from them afterwards.

This was the bit of the learning curve I'd been expecting - the bit just after "I can do this", when something, however trivial, goes wrong, and you feel a complete muppet for not forseeing it. But it's healthy, it stops me getting complacent (I hope) and makes the next ceremonies I do better.

Life is all about learning.

Logistics, emotions, gifts and misunderstandings

Logistics



It's been a heady few weeks.



I had the ceremony of a particularly tragic young man, who took his own life. For some reason, he decided to travel many miles from where he lived to near where I live and committed suicide here. There was nothing to suggest that he would do anything like this and so his family (which includes his very young children) are in complete shock.



Because of this, they didn't want me standing at the microphone spouting about this chap and so, instead, we were just having a couple of poems and a lot of music.



Due to geographical distance, the family sent a CD of the music to the local crematorium who duly checked that it played. So far, so average.



When I turned up with my cue sheet for the chapel attendants (at this particular crem, they play all of the music from a separate room), we realised that the family had put all of the tunes to be played as if they were one music track. To say that panic set in, was an understatement.



We were frantically fast forwarding through the CD, to be able to mark the times when each piece started and finished, so that the guys would know what to play when. Paul, our backstage man for that day was "man of the match", I can tell you. He played a blinder and the family need never know how much anxiety they caused us.



Emotions



Then we had another tragic case - it was my first funeral for a baby. The poor little boy had been unwell since birth, and there are all sorts of investigations going on about the causes of his birth defects, but on the day of the ceremony, none of this mattered - it was all about his parents, his family and terrible sadness.



Again, the chapel attendant (different crematorium) played a blinder, matching music to curtains and the like. The whole thing actually went rather well. On a purely selfish and personal note, I was pleased and relieved that I didn't cry, although I came close a few times. I was a bit of a space cadet afterwards, but I think that it's allowed. The family seemed happy with what I'd done (lots of hugs on their way out), so that's all I can ask for.



Gifts



It's been a week for people to show their appreciation. To be honest, I don't expect anything more than a handshake when we say goodbye after the ceremony - people are upset and I am just one of the people who helps them along the way. Twice this week, however, I've had families give me gifts in appreciation of my services (yes, Mr Taxman, I am aware of my obligations). I find it flattering, reassuring (not so bad at my job after all, then) and a little embarrassing - after all, they're already paying my fee. However, if they want to do it, I shall be gracious and say thank you very much. It would feel churlish not to.



Misunderstandings.

I've had three ceremonies put into the diary in the last few weeks, only to be scrubbed out again. In all three cases, it's because the conversation has been drawing to a close, when I've been asked "so you'll just do a couple of prayers, then?".



I know that this is a contentious issue and I try to be as flexible as possible but no, I don't say prayers in my ceremonies. They are non-religious ceremonies.


When we are going into a period of music or silence for reflection, I always flag this as a time for those with a faith to say their private prayers. If the prayer is important to the family, I offer that if someone else wants to lead prayers, I will happily stand to one side. I know that I include hymns in my ceremonies, but I believe that music is a different language and that the words aren't always the key part (if I sing "we're all living in a yellow submarine, it doesn't mean that I believe that we are under the surface of the waves in a primary coloured transportation vessel").

However, I do feel that, if nothing else in all this, I must be true to myself and I don't feel comfortable saying prayers, partly because of my own non-belief (I wish we had a positive word for it) and partly because I don't want others to think that this is what a humanist or a non-religious funeral is.

I'm not saying "never", because a circumstance may arise which makes me feel differently, but right now, I feel that it would be a compromise too far.

I may lose business out of it, but I have to stick to my principles, even if they're unpopular. As long as I don't sour my relationships with the funeral directors, then I hope we'll be okay.

Does life have to be so complicated?

Tales of the unexpected

I have a good sense of humour. Not always appropriate in the funeral trade I grant you, but it's a good mechanism for surviving the bad stuff.

So imagine my wry chuckles when I arrived at a crematorium last week. I got there at 2 for a 2:30 service, as I always do (better an hour early than a minute late). I went into the back office, to check with the chapel attendant that all was okay with the music etc. (I love Wesley Music).

One of the bearers was already there. We said hello, I shook his hand and he said "your bugler will be here at 2:15".

I'm sorry - my what?

Yes, we were having The Last Post. Nobody had felt the need to tell me.

In a way, it wasn't a surprise - the man had a military past (his life, like so many others, had been changed by his National Service experience), but nobody had said a word.

I'd had two or three conversations with the funeral arranger. I'd spent the best part of two hours with the chief mourner, drinking tea and finding out about the dear departed, but still no mention of the blinkin' bugler!

Now, I appear to be making a mountain out of a molehill and I genuinely did find it all amusing, but it could have been a problem. This particular crematorium works on a 30-minute cycle, which means you have 20 minutes for your ceremony. And they are strict on this. I've heard it said that if you take more than 22 minutes, they kidnap your children and sell them to the slave trade. I don't have kids, but I'm worried for the cat.

For this particular ceremony, however, a double time slot had been booked, and so we had a bit of leeway, but it could have been so very different.

Another one to chalk up to experience.

I love this job. It makes me laugh.